I loved it. Hope you do more.

Reading this first chapter, I must admit, you have a way with pacing and rhythm. It's a good start, but there are some things that you need to work on.

Your prose goes back and forth in the same sentence. You state a fact, such as when Bill was laying in bed, thinking about his crappy life. You stated that all he was thinking about were random thoughts, and yet in the next few sentences you reveal that Bill thinks of these topics often, and they haunt him. That isn't consistent with the language you used just previous.

I think if you get a handle on your narrative voice, you'll find the language you want to use to paint the scene and remain consistent to it, while honoring the fact that the human brain crisscrosses back and forth among opinions and ideals.

Author's Response: Thanks. This first chapter was just...a rush of ideas all at once. When I said the haunting thing, it was like...a forshadowing. Guess I didn't make that clear enough. But thanks for the advice. Sometimes I use sentances as fillers that just restate stuff. A problem I have, yes. BUt...XD Oh well. I'll get a handle on it eventually.