Date: 02/11/10 01:50 am Title: The Waters of the Male Nymphs,
Good, the sex was a bit abrupt but Bill's been waiting so long it was understandable. The problem was your characters weren't developed enough. Certainly not Tom who for all I know might have just been in it for the sex.
Author's Response: I know. thats why I have a sequal to really develop them.
Date: 01/16/10 06:29 pm Title: The Waters of the Male Nymphs,
awww..so cute smut hot sex smut...brain is in smutland bliss
Author's Response: =D
Date: 09/30/09 12:38 am Title: The Waters of the Male Nymphs,
You're getting a short review because I want to get to the sequil... RIGHT NOW... XD Amazing job so far!
Author's Response: Thank you =D
Date: 03/07/09 10:54 pm Title: The Waters of the Male Nymphs,
It was a bit choppy, your grammer/punctuation needs work but that's what beta's are for. Not many people write from first person so that was interesting. I liked the last line.
Author's Response: I know I have osme fixing up to do I just wish I could do it right away. Yay! I did too. Thank you for reading :)
Date: 03/07/09 08:07 pm Title: The Waters of the Male Nymphs,
Ok. So here's a long review:
Sorry to be harsh but this story was horrible. As it is, I don't think the site moderators should have validated it. It COULD be really good if you worked on some things:
The plot of the story is great, but it moves along too quickly. Even for a lemon. You need to slow things down, describe the setting and explain why the characters are doing what they're doing.
Tom and Bill start making out immediately. It seems weird. It's fine if they get right to the nitty gritty, but you need to give a reason. Delve into their thoughts to show what they're thinking. Maybe Bill has some special seduction powers that cause Tom to be drawn to him?
There are sooo many grammar errors and awkward sentence structures. This really detracts from the quality of a story, and can be easily fixed with a beta.
On that note, I can see that your idea has potential. You mentioned in the chapter notes that you were interested in having a co-author. I'd be glad to work on this story with you, if you want. You can read some of my stuff if you want to get a feel for my writing style. Email me if you're interested. I'll also help you revise this first chapter (I'd advise you take it down until it can be refined).
Anyways, don't be insulted, just trying to give some constructive criticism.
Author's Response: I understand where you are coming from really. But this is a beginning. I wish I could fix it at the moment but I am no where near a computer to do so. I really know its kinda screwy(sp?) But I did mention a twist on mythology and the nymphs. They are one of the many that are sedutores and Eros I mentioned aswell. But I get it I will take what you have said and work on it. thanks for the critisum(sp?)
Date: 03/07/09 01:04 pm Title: The Waters of the Male Nymphs,
You should write more when he goes after Tom. It was sweet though sad because he hoped Tom was the one and he left in the morning. This was great though I hope you write more. Though I think there should be a little nore vocal in the sex scene that would be nice.
Hearts
Author's Response: Thankyou um... And well its really hard I have only done the stuff like once and I was up all night writing so yeah
Date: 03/07/09 12:27 pm Title: The Waters of the Male Nymphs,
This is just some crazy coincidence but I was actually looking through some Greek myths last night because I wanted to write a fic based around one. How weird is that? So...if ur still looking for a partner in crime, I'd love to join you for this. :)
Hmmm...constructive crit...just that I saw a few typos. Simply things like missing the apostrophe out of can't, and a stray fullstop in the middle of a word, that's all. The story itself is great. I really really enjoyed it. I like your writing style very much, although I must admit this is the first I've read by you.
So...I'd love to co-author this, if not though, I won't mind. I just hope that you do write the sequel...this totally needs one. I, at least, loved it. It was awesome, I've always loved this kind of thing and you wrote it brilliantly.
I hope to hear back from you. :)
Author's Response: Oh yay! You were lol cool. I would love to work with you as well just hit me up in an email. Thank you I still working on my style. And yeah.