pls update soon?

I like it

hehehe nice

OK seriously, ya gotta keep this story going!! *Puppy eyes* Pwease.

Yea, that was lame, but oh well XD

keep it comin!

Author's Response: Thank you, I will try!

I think you did immensly well and I will be keeping up with this story! You go girl! I'll will be waiting patiently :)

In a dark land far, far away and in a time a long, long time ago there lived two twin Princess. Their names were Wilhelm and Thomas, and they ruled their kingdom with an iron thumb. – ok first of all odd start…could be ok but it’s just a little off putting right off the bat. Secondly and “iron thumb” um no iron fist.

Wilhelm was the most vicious of the pair. He had spiked jet black hair with white streaks running throughout it. Rumor had it that he acquired the white shoots of color over the years due to his red blooded tempter and what seemed to be his multiple personalities. Although his look was stark, he was alluring and tempting. – the bonus of having characters we know is that you don’t have to describe them. You get to make note when a character notices something particular about them but…otherwise you don’t have to.

Thomas, on the other hand, was dangerous in his own shy yet deviant way. – awkward description… Thomas on the other hand was more dangerous then Wilhelm because it was in a more sublet way.

*Smack, smack* went the loud echoing sound throughout the castle. – oy!!! The cracking sound of a whip echoed through out the castle bounced off the walls seeming to fill in the empty spaces with the quick painful sound.

It was late at night and the midnight air was all around. The large room held the best in furniture, fabrics, and ornaments and was lit with candelabras filling the room. – this is a point where you actually describe the rich fabrics. Not every detail but you can describe how rich and soft and plush the fabrics and woods are.

"Yuck! You filthy scandal!" – a juxtaposition of the wrong type of language!!!! He wiped his hand off on the slaves clothing. “You are disgusting!”

The slave watched with fixated eyes as Wilhelm bent over towards Thomas's face and slowly licked his mouth as if he were a piece of candy. – the idea behind this is good the execution is well…bollix!

It was then as the slaves eyes were glued to the bed, that he realized why they were called the 'Twins of Sin.' – No no no!!!! They would know this way before they got trapped in a room with Bill and or Tom their reputation would proceed them!!!

Ok done!!!! I loved that you tried…but your writing needs some love, time to develop, and a beta!

Ok where to start with advice…*thinks* Ok so don’t cry! And don’t get mad at me! Cause you put it up here and that makes it available for criticism.

First I can tell this is your first fic, I can also tell that you are young! I can tell this by your writing style. Please please please do not try to write a sex scene!!! At least until your writing develops and or you actually have sex!!!

Second dialogue, your dialogue is, not that good, it’s messy, it’s juvenile, some of it’s way too simplistic.

Third description, mostly there is not enough, you are running on the assumption that everyone knows what’s in your head, don’t we don’t know your vision! You have to supply it.
Fourth there’s more but it’s just not worth it to break it down….I’ll explain what you need to do instead of telling you what didn’t work.

You need to paint a picture for us. We need to know what you see in your head. We need to have the rich fabrics explained to us, the dark omnificence of the castle, the fear the slaves have of their masters. Right now all we have is implied you’ve told us very little.

You also need to think about each character, which an be a HUGE pain in the ass I know!!! And will feel totally and completely pointless but you have to develop an entire little story for each person who you bring into the story. Want to know why??? So their actions and dialogue seems realistic and believable. Like for instance that slave Bill was smacking around. Is he one of their favorites? Is he just another one that they can replace. Where do their slaves come from? Why is he fearful of Bill? What does Bill do to slaves? Is he covered in scars from other encounters with Bill? Are slaves also low ranking vampires?

Sound effects think about the sound before you write it smack is NOT the sound of a whip!!! Almost nothing really makes the sound of “smack*

Oh my goodness! How much have you read??? Because you need to read more!!! Reading will improve your writing!!! Don’t just read anyone! Crap in, crap out. Only read the best! Majestrix, Raiju, Beren, ImaginaryNumbers, undrockroll, Buyyouadrank, Drank-it-up, cynical_terror, Haylz. el_gardner. There are others that are good but those are a few that come to mind!!!

Trust me! This may be mean, and you may hate me a little bit right now but I know what good writing looks like and these are a few writers we could all learn from. Pay attention to not only the story which you will get sucked in so read some of Beren’s one shots (she written a lot) read it and check out descriptions, storyline, dialogue, and how it all works together.

Hopefully you don’t hate me too much.

Good luck.
ISA

Author's Response: Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate it and certainly don't hate you! I know you are trying to help. I have never done this type of thing before so I just thought I would give it a shot. I tried to double check everything, but I obviously missed some mistakes, I apologize. It also isn't a good sign that you think I am young, so I'll try to step up the maturity. Thanks for your help.

Hot! Mean,cruel, sexy, deviant Bill is wonderful.

Author's Response: Oh thank you! Glad you like his wicked self!

oOo:O i like it so far:) keep on writing!

Yes please comtinue...i'm interested to see what will come next!