The thing is, this is actually a really good story, but you really need to check the grammar.

Half the time you haven't capitalised names, and you really need to check tenses. In the last three lines, which I can see right now, you wrote 'underneath he had wrote' - whereas you needed 'he had written,' you see?

The story in itself is good, but this really needs checking. If you can't manage it, then get a beta or a friend who knows what they're doing.

This is constructive, I know it sounds mean and grouchy, but I'm trying to help.

Carry on writing and think about what I've written, m'kay?

that was great I loved it