Date: 09/27/09 08:28 am Title: Chapter 6
awwww
i love bills thought when hes mad xp
loved the story keep it up!
Author's Response: Thank you!
Date: 09/24/09 06:13 am Title: Chapter 6
this story's got a really animated Bill! i liked it
Author's Response: Thanks! Bill is a lively person :)
Date: 09/24/09 05:50 am Title: Prologue
nice banner
Author's Response: Thank you!
Date: 08/27/09 03:42 pm Title: Chapter 6
He was currently dreaming of the previous evening. – I love these dreams! Your smut is like always perfect!
Seeing his twin making out with someone else was the most painful thing Tom had ever experienced. An unfamiliar feeling was burning his guts and Tom realized that it was jealousy. – awh
Even now, the mere thought of his brother with anybody else was unbearable and he wondered how Bill had managed not to lose his mind each time Tom had been with a girl. – it’s because Bill knew he didn’t have a chance but you know that you do.
"What's up? What are you doing here?" He asked with a hoarse voice. – wow he woke up fast.
"Since I woke up from my coma, I've gained a certain… ability." – awh don’t tell him it will ruin the fun.
"I'm able to… hum… read people's thoughts, sometimes."
Bill gasped and all his body froze. Tom knew he must have realized that Tom might be aware of his feelings for him.
"Have you heard mine?" Bill asked in a small voice. – and he just believes him? I don’t think so!
"No, don't hide. There's nothing to be ashamed of. You should never be ashamed to love," Tom whispered. "Actually, you made me realize that I felt the same." – and I’d like to point out a marysue line to you! *sigh* it’s too perfect no one thinks like that.
Bill's shirt had ridden up and Tom could feel the skin of Bill's stomach against his own, so soft and hot. Bill stroked the nape of his neck and began to slowly roll his hips against him. Their erections were rapidly swelling in their boxers. – hot!
"Now that I can have you, I want all of it," Bill said in a husky voice, gripping Tom's shoulders firmly. "Kaulitzes never do things half heartedly, right?" he added, parroting Tom's words from a few months before. - lol
They seem a little overly confident for their first time together.
No one had ever done that and his insides were knotting up pleasantly. It felt naughty and exquisite at the same time. – nice description for it!
Tom stilled, afraid of having hurt his twin.
"Are you okay? Did it hurt really bad?" He asked, frowning worriedly. – lol very cute!
The sensations both on Bill's erection and inside him were a bit too much to handle and within minutes, his orgasm hit him and come spurted on his stomach. Tom marvelled at the way Bill's ass was squeezing his fingers. He kept on stroking him a few seconds, allowing Bill to ride out his orgasm. – nice!
What he didn't expect though was that Bill had considered himself bottoming. – thank you for that though at least.
He turned his head toward Bill and watched him gather the come spread on his stomach with a hand. He briefly wondered why Bill didn't use a tissue to do that, but that question answered itself when Bill reached for Tom's cock and stroked it carefully, slathering it with the sticky substance. – lol won’t stay sticky for long.
"Can't you see for yourself? I'm preparing you. I don't have lube, but that should do the trick." And it's kind of hot too. – wouldn’t work for sex but we’ll pretend…or try to pretend!
"Tom," Bill said, his tone suddenly serious. "I've been thinking about this moment for months. I'm more than ready. I'm in love with you and I trust you more than I could anyone else. That could never be more perfect than that." – awwwwggaaaa aaaaawwwoooogggaa marysue line alert lol sorry got a little over the top there but yeah too perfect of a response from Bill. Too self assured to well though out.
When Bill finally lifted his hips slightly, going down immediately after, both twins let out an uncontrollable moan, though of different nature. Pleasure for Tom, pain for Bill. - awh
Fuck, that hurt, Fuck, fuck, fuck, it burns, Bill mentally swore. – LUBE get LUBE!!!!!!
Oh my God yes! Yes yes yes! Bill thought, moaning loudly at the same time. – nice!
"I want you to fuck me. Hard."
"Oh my God," Tom breathed before capturing Bill's mouth once more. – wow hot
"You mean on the good spot?" Tom asked, thrusting powerfully once more. – I love that you call it the good spot I’m totally going to use that!
It only took a few pulls and Bill was coming all over his stomach, his ass clenching on the hard member still deeply buried inside of him. Tom cried, finally feeling on his cock what he had felt on his fingers earlier. The pleasure he felt was enough to pull him over the edge – very hot!
"A penny for your thoughts," he whispered in Bill's ear, snapping him out of his reveries. Bill smiled warmly at him.
"I was thinking that I'm the luckiest guy on earth, because I have you," he answered.
"Sorry Billa, the position's already taken. By me." – awh super cheezey and sweet!
Author's Response: Oh noooes, Marysue alert XD Is there a special ringing system that goes off when the characters are acting too perfectly? ^^ I know, it's kind of all rainbows and butterflies in the end, not very realistic, but sometimes I can't contain my corny muse... :D Thanks for the step by step review! :-)
Date: 08/27/09 03:16 pm Title: Chapter 5
"Please please please pretty please?" Bill begged with his Best Pout. The one that deserved capital letters. – this is a great line!
His brother had always been particularly afraid of films where innocent looking people or objects were possessed or evil. Now he hated clowns and porcelain dolls because of that – lol
He now remembered that Tom had changed the strings of his guitar the day before. That meant he had lied to him earlier when he had used that excuse to refuse to watch the movie with him. Bill was confused. First Tom was trying to avoid him and then he was getting all touchy feely before escaping once again. It was really unusual from Tom who was always so laid back. There was something eluding Bill, that was for sure. – I think this might have come on too quickly I think it needed to have been drawn out a little more.
He was wondering if what he had just done wasn't the worst idea he ever had. If Bill understood that Tom was indeed attracted to him, what would happen? Would Bill act on it? Did Tom want Bill to act on it? Was he ready for such a huge change in their relationship? – lol opened a can of worms!
"You know you're a sneaky little thief?" Tom said, pinching a piece of his shirt fabric between two fingers. – lol very nice line!
Tom tipped his head and considered what he should answer for a moment. He finally leaned forward, his head really close to Bill's, their mouths inches apart. He saw Bill close his eyes and leaned even nearer.
"That's for me to know and you to find out," he breathed, barely brushing Bill's lips with his own on his way to his cheek. His kiss goodnight finally landed on the corner of Bill's mouth, and he stayed there just a little too long for it to remain innocent.
Delectable superfluous seconds. Stolen seconds. Forbidden seconds. – OMG that’s so evil!!!!!! Naughty naughty Tom!
Author's Response: Thank you! I prefer to warn you, the last chapter and the way things happen are a bit abrupt. I'm aware of that fact but I had to finish the story rapidly because it was for an exchange and the deadline was really close. So sorry for that but I hope you'll like the sm*t anyway XD
Date: 08/27/09 02:49 pm Title: Chapter 4
You know you being a native speaker might explain some of your little issues. I have a more forgiveness for your writing issues then! I suggest you get a second beta to double check your writing someone who will catch things your first beta didn’t catch.
He would go find Bill and simply see what would happen. Maybe he would confess to him that he knew all about his feelings. – oh that could be messy
Tom felt utterly confused. Bill had kissed him? He did not remember such a thing. Maybe he had done so when he was in his coma… But why would Bill have done such a thing – hum? Intriguing!
Tom was completely lost when suddenly, images filled his mind. It seemed that not only was he able to read Bill's thoughts now, but also to see what his brother pictured… And right now it seemed to be… a memory.
Georg, Gustav and Tom were sitting on the floor of what seemed to be a hotel room.
Tom briefly wondered where Bill was before remembering that it was his brother's memory and that consequently, he could not see himself.
All four boys had drinks before them and the mood was cheery and playful.- very nice set up!!!
Wow it must be really surreal to see yourself I would be really thrown off by it, I’m surprised Tom isn’t!
"Ok, so… what's the most bizarre place where you had sex, Gus?"
"Hmm, I think it was in the bathroom-"
"Booooring," Georg interrupted him.
"-of a shopping mall," Gustav finished. – lol
"I dare you to French kiss one of the band members," he said flatly.
"You bastard," Bill said, shooting him a deadly glare. This was so underhanded.- lol
"Alright, I'll kiss you then," Bill said, scooting closer to Tom.
"You can't!" Tom said, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.
"Well, you're a band member, right? So serves you well, next time you'll think of something less stupid," Bill answered. – ha ha
A loud cough brought them back to reality and they pulled apart, panting and their burning eyes locked into each other. Bill wanted more, he hadn't had nearly enough. But he couldn't. It was just a game after all. And Tom was his brother, his fucking brother. Damn.
He left Tom's lap and sat back at his former place, avoiding everyone's eyes.
"Wow! Now, that was some kiss!" Gustav exclaimed.
"Kaulitzes never do things half heartedly," Tom answered cockily. – lol this is your excuse? Lol well you are three sheets to the wind!
He barged in, only now realizing that Bill had gone in there to take a bath and that he was therefore bound to be naked. And oh so naked he was! – lol surprise yes this IS what we do in a BATHroom lol
Hmmm… Tooom, Bill thought, moaning wantonly at the same time.
The thought and the moan combined were more than Tom could take.
"Oh my God," he breathed, eyes wide open. - *giggles*
"Tomi?" Bill asked in a sweet voice.
"Yeah?" Tom asked, surprised.
"Could you please be so kind as to GET THE FUCK OUT!?" – lol!!!
He slammed the door behind him and leant against it, panting. Even after being just out of the room, he could hardly believe what had happened. He had never thought that seeing his brother jack off could be such a turn on. Now he had a hard on of his own that needed to be taken care of. - *grins*
Author's Response: =D At least you seem to finf this chapter amusing. If you see anymore mistakes or bad constructions, I'll be glad to go and correct them ;-)
Date: 08/27/09 02:30 pm Title: Chapter 3
Tom couldn't say he hadn't been relieved to see Bill go to his bedroom, for even if he often watched movies with Bill and was used to his annoying habit to make comments on each and every detail, hearing the unspoken ones too had been too much, even for him. – lol OMG that would be a nightmare everyone is suddenly a movie talker!
checked his mails and stringed his guitar. – checked his email and STRUNG his guitar.
What's that noise? Is it Tom? I hope not. I don't want him to see me in that ridiculous position. Or maybe I do. Maybe this way he would check me out like he does with those girls. – lol funny
And he looks so cute when he sleeps too. The way his lips part slightly, the way his eyelids flutter when he dreams… Being so adorable should be illegal, I couldn't take my eyes off him… - presentation issue on my part again, I know that this is in his head and he’s totally in love with Tom but this is super corny I’m 89% sure I don’t sound like this in my head I hope that a guy doesn’t either.
…If Prince Charming were Princess Charming, would Sleeping Beauty be a guy? Or would they both be girls? Can there be lesbians in a fairy tale? Or maybe they were both men. Prince Charming and male Sleeping Beauty… Hum, but would a male Sleeping Beauty touch the spindle of a spinning wheel in the first place? That's not a very manly thing to do, to spin wool… Well, but if he was gay, he could very well have touched the spindle. But still, can there be queers in a fairy tale? What if there were gay fairy tales? That would put the seven dwarves living together without ever seeing any woman into perspective…
Tom looked at Gustav, aghast. The drummer's mind was a very, very strange place. – lol
It was just that Bill always sat in grazing distance of him, no matter what. Thinking about it, Tom realized he had a tendency do so too. That was just how they naturally behaved, so why did it bring so up many questions now? – this is much more logical for me.
I think I just get caught up in corny. Your logical, proper stuff is usually just about right there are just a few pitfalls in your writing that trip me up. But you’re almost there!
"I know you're preparing something, you've got this look about you…" he said. – that a good lie
Georg had no special look about him, but this little white lie was always better than saying 'Hey, I'm a psychic and I can actually read your thoughts, so don't try to fool me!'. – um presentation issues again…this seems a little redundant as well as a bit over the top unnecessary I think you could have said this in a way that would have gotten the information without going over the top.
"Well, my aunt and uncle are visiting my parents at the end of the week. So I told them to bring my cousin with them. She's just dying to see you again," Georg said, wiggling his eyebrows at Tom.
"You mean your hot little cousin Alexia?" Tom asked. He remembered having spent some quality time with her once. – dude that’s low pimping out your cousin…even if she is a slut!
"Hum… when you were sleeping, yes, that's it," Bill stammered. – I’ve never heard anyone say “yes that’s it” after they lie. This is over the top unnecessary.
What a loss! We'll all miss that stupid cow showing off her tits around. I can already picture her with a 'free milk dispenser' hat. – lol I do like your bitch Bill though he’s rather funny and rather accurate!
If I haven’t been clear I want to make it very clear. I only give constructive criticism to writers who I think deserve it. I wouldn’t put forth my time and effort if I didn’t’ think you had a basic level of good writing.
Author's Response: Thank you very much for taking the time. English is not my mother's tongue and it seems some things escaped the beta reading (stringed, ouch, okay). That may also be why some sentence seems strange to you, I don't know. Anyway thanks a lot :)
Date: 08/27/09 02:07 pm Title: Chapter 2
He was able to read people's mind. That by itself was hard enough to wrap his head around. But to add insult to injury, he had discovered that his own brother cared about him in a not so brotherly way. That thought alone had kept him awake for a few hours. It had also put a lot of insight into his brother's occasionally odd behavior towards him, a behavior that he had always dismissed as Bill just being Bill. – see this is lovely well written explains things!
When exhaustion had finally taken over him, he had fallen in a restless slumber full of dreams in which Bill was trying to seduce him. In his last dream, he had been standing in a hotel room. Bill had appeared, perfectly groomed, a dark and mysterious look about him. His brother had advanced toward him with lust filled eyes. Each time Bill had taken a step forward, Tom had taken a step back, until he had finally found himself trapped up against the wall.
Bill had pushed his body against him, one hand on each side of his head. He had tilted his head, nuzzling in his neck. Tom had been unable to move. – great dream
There are some great parts to your writing! And some flaws that make it painful for me to read. I want to be kind but to also be honest because I know that your skills are worth improving because I’d like to see more from you.
"Those lips… so perfect. I wish I could just kiss you," he had whispered, mirroring the words Tom had heard him think earlier, before crushing their mouths together. Tom had started awake, all sweaty and with a disturbing hard-on. – Very nice!
Wait I though they went home? Why was there the scene about Bill’s bad driving if he’s still at the hospital?!... And so there he was now, in his parking lot after a quite stressful ride home. – oh *shakes head* no that was too confusing to mix those bits up!
Author's Response: They went home indeed. Tom was just thinking back on his night and morning at the hospital.
Date: 08/27/09 01:52 pm Title: Chapter 1
He didn't know for how long he had been there; it could have been years or mere seconds. Either way, it seemed that it was enough time to drive him insane. He wanted out of here.
"Hey sweetheart, you should go home, sleep a little…"
Tom was overwhelmed with joy. That was his mother's voice. – go towards her voice, use it as a guild it will help take you where you need to be.
Please, please, wake up. You can't do that to me. Wake up.
It was still Bill's voice, but it seemed somehow… different. – BTW nice introduction to that
"It shouldn't. His vitals are good. There's nothing preventing him to wake up." If he ever does, coma is such an unpredictable thing.
Now, that was not a sensible thing to say. – lol
"WEEKS!" It's only been three days and I already feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It can't be weeks before I see his eyes or talk to him again. I won't be able to take it.
Wow, Bill seemed quite attached to this person. – being in a coma makes your brain very disoriented
Bill hadn't just said that! Well, he actually hadn't said it. Tom had been looking at his twin the whole time and his lips hadn't moved. He had not uttered the words, but Tom had clearly heard them in his mind. He was hearing voices, he was losing his head. Or maybe it was just the aftershocks of his coma. – ok I’ll only say it once and I’ll be kind. *sigh* the logic of this story I, personally, find irritating. Only in that If I was hearing voices in my head I would be confused and disorientated, maybe in denial but I’m afraid by the way you’ve presented it you’ve made Tom seem stupid. He’s not, you’re not it just the way you presented it. Simply altering the way that it’s presented and your characters sound more intelligent. Per example this second I’ve highlighted. I would have said: Tom was confused, extremely confused he couldn’t believe he was actually hearing what Bill was thinking it was just NOT possible. Perhaps being in a coma had been more stress on his body and mind then he thought possible. Tom had been looking at Bill’s lips the entire time that he had heard Bill’s voice but, but that was just NOT possible. But none the less Tom HAD heard them clearly in his mind as if he were hearing Bill’s thoughts. Maybe he was hearing voices not the amazing power to hear inside of someone’s head voices but the kind that tell you to kill your family voices and they were just buttering him up first to make him think it was his brother’s voice. Maybe the voices in Tom’s head all sounded like Bill so that when they did tell him to go out and kill people he would think that Bill had asked him to. ‘Oh lord,’ Tom though and mentally shook his head. Maybe it was just the aftershocks of being electrocuted and being in a coma maybe this was normal maybe everyone though they heard voices after something like that. – Do you see how it was presented differently it was basically the same idea just a twist. Your ideas are lovely and fairly accurate (well so far I haven’t gotten very far have I? but so far in what I’ve read this seems to be your problem “presentation of ideas”. Hope it helps a little maybe sets you in a slightly different direction.
"Hey! She never said I looked awful! Her words were 'awfully pale’ – lol
"Well you're my twin, you could never look bad…" Tom answered cheekily. – lol very funny
stood on his feet – this is kind of redundant what else would he stand on? His hands? Lol
"So, hum Melinda," he said, reading her name from where it was pinned to her chest, "that's a nice name. Do you like to work in a hospital?" Tom stared right in her eyes and licked his lower lip slowly.
The way he's looking at me… is he hitting on me? Fuck, I think he is! Okay, chill, you don't want to look like a hysterical fangirl.
"Yes, I like my job. But it's not often we get to meet celebrities. I guess I'm really lucky," she answered with a slight blush rising in her cheeks, keeping her eyes down to survey the spin indicating the pressure result while she pumped. – she did really well!
She quickly fished a piece of paper and a pen from one of her pockets and handed them to Tom who wrote 'thank you for taking care of me, Tom' before turning towards his brother.
"Bill?"
Bill pushed himself from the wall with a long sigh and took the pen and paper from his brother's hands. He quickly scribbled his name, which was barely recognizable, before giving it all back to the nurse. She thanked them both and went back to attend to Tom. – wow Bill don’t be a bitch or anything!
"No! No." Tom lied. "I just felt that my brother was afraid for me, for instance. Or that the nurse kinda liked me…"- good lie!
Author's Response: I see your point about Tom and hearing voices and the presentation of it, but that was just not how I saw the thing. Tom has just awoken and he's still hazy. He is *being* a bit dumb. He can't think too hard about evil voices that would disguise themselves as his twin's voice to make him kill people. He's just going over things shallowly (I hear Bill but he's not speaking, I must be mad) because he's not yet alert enough to reflect on things much. Thank you for the advice and the comments on the different parts of the chapter. It's really much appreciated :)
Date: 08/27/09 12:02 pm Title: Prologue
But there was a good reason he barely looked at his brother during their song. It was the way Bill was looking at him when he sang it out to him. – and this doesn’t raise a red flag for Tom for any reason?
Bill practically, no wait, literally kneeling before him on Reden – lol I’ve seen this too *cracks up* so naughty!
After all, it was only little stage games, a way to work the crowd, to make the fangirls scream. – also totally choreographed!
He knew Bill was frustrated with his lack of eye contact. It had earned him kicks and stuffed animals thrown at him before. So now he tried to glance at his brother more often – lol
As he neared his spot with the stomp box, he noticed the guitar he was holding wasn't plugged to the pedal. Sighing, he bent down and pulled on the pedals cables in order to plug them himself. He must have touched something he certainly shouldn't have because a terrible pain flashed through his body and he fell to the ground.
The last things he heard were the terrified cries of the crowd, and above them his brother shouting his name, and then his world went black. – very nice! I was wondering how you were going to pull it off!
Author's Response: Thanks! I love it when people highlight the parts they especially liked ^^ I hope you'll like the rest of the story as well ;)
Date: 07/14/09 04:27 pm Title: Chapter 6
oh god, that was beautiful... fuck, wouldn't you just want to read everyone's thoughts for a week or so?! oh and the ending made my heart melt, really!! i loved it xx
Author's Response: Sorry, I just saw your comment because I got another one. Thank you very much for reading, I'm glad you liked the story! :)
Date: 06/23/09 10:19 am Title: Chapter 6
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Sooooooooooooooooo Cute!!!!
Author's Response: Thanks :)
Date: 05/30/09 12:38 am Title: Prologue
amazing, beautiful and hot
Author's Response: Thanks! =D
Date: 05/19/09 08:56 am Title: Chapter 6
OMG I LOVED THIS. this has to be my favourite. infact, it IS. Winry you are amazing :)
Author's Response: Thank you very much, I really appreciate your comment, that's very good to hear!
Date: 05/04/09 11:09 pm Title: Chapter 6
aww love this story ! such a good idea :P
Author's Response: Thanks!
Date: 04/20/09 07:24 pm Title: Chapter 6
Awwww i loooove the ending!! Sooo cute!
Great story! =D
Author's Response: Thank you very much!
Date: 04/10/09 01:07 am Title: Chapter 6
i loved it
Author's Response: Thanks!
Date: 03/31/09 10:02 pm Title: Chapter 6
aww
Author's Response: =D
Date: 03/28/09 04:02 pm Title: Chapter 6
awww. that was the best story that i have read so far. i love the idea of tomi being able to read everyones mind
Author's Response: Thank you, I'm very glad you liked it!
Date: 03/12/09 10:36 am Title: Chapter 6
awesome!
Author's Response: Thank you!