more i demand youuuu

You Have To Add More!!!!!!

It's a little scattered. First of, you've just got the bones of the story: the ideas. You need the meat. You've rushed into the story. Before you start with the action, you need to give details about your characters. You have to have their thoughts and personality. YOu need to give all of the back ground information. Why does lilith like Tom? Where are they? Why doesn't tom like Lilith? Why is Lilith this weird kid? Why doesn't she have friends. It's not realistic for someone to have zero friends. You're creating a Mary Sue. Looks don't really matter. If lilith think she's ugly, she isn't going to use 'glittering' to describe her hair. Also, use logic. A new kid probably isn't going to help some girl at her locker: they'd be trying to get to their class. And certainly Lillith isn't going to talk to them like she's known them for years. If you were new and someone talked to you like that, you'd think they were a bitch. Also: If Liltih is supposedly this shy nobody, she's probably not going to storm up to this madison person. Who is this Madison person anyways? You have to describe that to the reader. And lilith isn't the best name. It describe a daemon from the bible, and people are going to associate you character with something bad. You can usually name the antagonist after evil mythology. YOu also have a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything, I'm just trying to point everything out so that you can have a better piece of writing. All the things, and more, are things that a reader is going to notice. These things separate a distinguished author from an amateur writer. I like the idea, you just don't have all the things you need.

Ha cute!
Well sucks for her, but at least Robby helped her out of detention. :]
Great Update!
More soon??? :3

dudeee, what happened to the story :o
you never updated :[

Author's Response: I'm sorry !!rnI'm getting lazy -.- haha

wow, me likeeesss!!
i personally dont think its moving too fast with robby, but i think you should hold off abit with the constant humiliation w/ tom?
but seriously, it is a GREAT story!! will keep reading it!

Author's Response: Ohh thank you ! <33rndont worry, thats what i got planned, in the next chapter, something she does makes Tom think she is impressive in that way ;)

This story is great! It has amazing potential! I'm loving the story line so far.

My only suggestion is that you step back and work on descriptions. Preferably quite a bit with setting because its a bit hard to envision where all this is taking place. I think the same for character descriptions. (though everyone can envision their own hated math teacher, we'd like to see what lilith's is like, you know?)

This is difficult to do in first person, but it enriches the experiences for the reader, enabling them to slip into the characters skin.

i like Lilith's personality as of yet and would love to see more of her wit in the dialogue and thoughts. Same with Robby.

i'm excited for your next update! Please keep it up! ^_^

Author's Response: THANK YOU !!rnThank you SOO much, this is the stuff i need to know !!rnI will absolutely use your suggestions.rnAs for the setting, i think it might be too late to put that in,rnBut in maybe 3 chapters or so, i will !! :DrnAnd as for the math teacher she will be coming up, i will probably describe her through Robby's view, because, again it's too late for Lilith. haha.rnThanks so much again !! :D

awe

Author's Response: This is an old story, so i guess that would be an appropriate approach ;)

firstly: i don't understand why she likes him so much

secondly: the way she's going about getting his attention is ridiculous. saying hi to him in the hallways? what is she thinking??

thirdly: she's gotten to know this robby guy way too quickly; she's already holding his hand and they just met!! isn't she supposed to be a dork? i think your character is pretty inconsistent.

Author's Response: She was in the same class as him since kinder garden, she knows him very well, so over the years she develops a strong crush on him.rnLots of people do that, i always used to say hi to my crush in the halls. Plus she is a dork, and she doesn't know shit about guys, cause she never dated, so obviously she doesn't do things right, i tried to think of the WRONG way to get a guy to like you for this.rnAnd this "Robby" guy is like the first guy she has ever had a conversation with OBVIOUSLY she's gonna want to be his friend, and him being new would just go with it to find someone to hang out with i guess.rnAnyway, thanks for the feedback :)rn

Awww...that was mean, if someone drew a picture of me i'd be happy see : ) lol, anyway i like it so far, update soon please

Author's Response: Haha, this story is sort of based on a true story, i drew a picture of a boy i was in love with, and the exact same thing happened to me, he got mad and humiliated, never gave me a second look again, but my teacher didn't show the class, i left my book on his desk because i sat at his desk when my homeroom teacher teaches me math, so everyone saw it and made fun of him haha. thanks !! ;)