Date: 08/19/08 09:30 pm Title: Chapter 17
For some reason, I'm oddly happy that Bill didn't forgive Andreas... I'm such a bad person, haha.
D:
Author's Response: Aha, no you're not!
Date: 08/19/08 08:16 pm Title: Chapter 17
nah he deserves it seriously he shouldnt have done that its so blah seriously lolz
Author's Response: lol. So many people have mixed feelings about this chapter. Half of them are saying they should still be friends, and the other half are saying they shouldn't. But, I'm glad you liked it! (:
Date: 08/19/08 07:29 pm Title: Chapter 17
Bill;s not being a very good friend. =[ I mean sure Andreas did something incredibly stupid but it wasnt all that bad.....=] I loved this so update soon!
Author's Response: I know, I know. But, it had to happen in order for the story to progress!
Date: 08/19/08 06:27 pm Title: Chapter 17
Oh, goodness. For once, I actually feel REALLY sorry for Andreas. True, he shouldn't have kissed Bill, but Bill shouldn't be so irrational about the whole thing. He's apologized and basically said he just wanted to be friends. Bill should also remember that Andi has been his best friend for a long time. He was pretty much the only friend he had. To let such a strong friendship go down the drain over something like that is just...horrible. I know things wouldn't be able to go back to normal, but I do think Bill should forgive him for it. =)
I really liked this chappie, but it made me sad, lol. I think I'd feel horribly rejected if I were in Andi's shoes.
~*Update Soon!*~
Author's Response: Well, I kind of wanted people to have some sympathy for Andi. But, it had to happen for the story to progress. You'll see. I'm sorry it made you sad! lol. I'll update asap!
Date: 08/15/08 04:28 am Title: Chapter 16
:} poor Andreas x(...xD I liked the sweet kissus! ^^
Author's Response: Aw, thank you.
Date: 08/14/08 07:30 pm Title: Chapter 16
Sounds like something I'd eat &^^&
Author's Response: lol, lovely. (:
Date: 08/13/08 10:44 pm Title: Chapter 16
Awww Poor him. We've all been there before. Loved the last two chapter updates (yeah i'm cheeting you out of a comment sorry!) They were sweet. Love love LOVE the comfort food combo... it's totially EXACTLY mine so I can relate!!! XD LOVE IT!
Author's Response: Glad you liked it! And, I agree, Skittles and ice cream all the way. Except, I personally could do without the Cokie. :P
Date: 08/13/08 10:30 pm Title: Chapter 16
i for one do not feel bad for andreas. at all in anyway shape or form. serves him right lol. but im sure youre going to end up making them friends again. if you do whatever but if not yay! lol i dont know why but i really hate andreas in this story. lol anyways update soooon!
Author's Response: You'll just have to wait and find out. :P
Date: 08/13/08 10:29 pm Title: Chapter 16
Aww Andreas =[ They should be friends again. Haha his food choices sound yummy, that probably what I would eat! =P
Author's Response: They should be friends again, shouldn't they? But the real question is: will they?
Date: 08/13/08 09:43 pm Title: Chapter 16
Yes, I feel a bit bad . MMM ice cream sounds good right now!
Author's Response: I agree. :P
Date: 08/13/08 08:32 pm Title: Chapter 16
wat gonna happen now?!?!?!?!?!
Author's Response: You'll just have to wait and find out. :P
Date: 08/13/08 08:15 pm Title: Chapter 16
i feel bad for him i kno what that kinda feels like i loved this part even tho it was kinda short lolz haha well update soon please
Author's Response: Yes, I know it was quite short. I was going to group it with the next chapter, but, I decided not to because then it wouldn't 'flow' quite the way I wanted it to.
Date: 08/13/08 12:40 pm Title: Chapter 3
Hello again. This was a good chapter as well. I enjoyed the fact that Tom came to apologize to Bill. Only one problem again and it's the same thing I've seen in the first two chapters: The over descriptive sentences.
Examples: Andreas stood up, walked to the end of the hallway, and turned the corner.
You could have said that like: Andreas stood up and disappeared around the corner. OR Andreas stood up and beat a hasty retreat. OR Andreas quickly left the two alone.
Another example: Ethan then started to walk again, through the B wing, and back into the atrium. He climbed the atrium stairs until he reached the highest one. He then took a seat. Tom placed himself down beside him.
That could have been worded as: Ethan and Tom headed to the atrium and threw themselves into the highest seats. OR After much wandering, Tom followed Ethan to the atrium and threw himself into the seat next to him. OR EVEN The boys headed to the atrium's highest seats and sat down.
I don't mean to keep saying this, but it's just that I want your story to be its best. When you explain the character's EVERY move it just sounds awkward. Description IS good, but not in overabundance like that. Try to work on that in your future chapters. A good hint would be to read over your sentences and say them out loud. If you realize your sentence is going something like: Tom looked out the window, he blinked, then he rubbed his nose. After that he looked down at his book... or something to that effect it will bug you to read all those actions out loud in a row like that. Then look at the sentence AGAIN and try to reconstruct it where it doesn't do that. Try to say what you want to say, but make the sentences flow better.
Anyhow, excellent story. I'm heading off to the next chapter.
PS: Let me stress that it's the awkward over descriptive explanation of the characters' actions that I'm talking about. Your punctuation for your sentences are excellent. And it's not ALL your sentences....just the examples that I'm pointing out that are worded awkwardly.
Author's Response: So, I've been rereading all the chapters I've posted, and I REALLY see what you mean. The abundance of description is really making the story seem very amatuer. I really appreciate the hints, and everything. And, I'm hoping they're going to make my future chapters sound better. Thanks, and I look forward to seeing what you have to say in the future. (:
Date: 08/13/08 07:46 am Title: Chapter 2
Good character development in this chapter as well. However there are also tiny mistakes here and there that could be eliminated by having a beta read over this.
For instance you put: Ethan become more frustrated at Tom towards the end of the chapter. It should be: Ethan became more frustrated with Tom.
Other than that, excellent job.
I'll read more and review later. Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: Thanks for pointing that out for me. I'll try to find another beta asap.
Date: 08/13/08 07:38 am Title: Chapter 1
Hey. I liked this first chapter but there is something in your writing style that kind of grates.
You will word a sentence like this: "Ethan left the room, turned left and then headed for the front door." Or something to that effect. It's...weirdly too descriptive. If that makes any sense. You don't have to mention EVERY little thing the characters are doing. After Ethan stormed out, you could have just said: "Ethan stormed from the room, and Bill sat in shock as the front door slammed shut." or something like that.
I read a story once where the author did the same thing and I couldn't get into her story. She would word things like: "Sue got up. She brushed her teeth. Afterwards she picked up her school bag and her books and went to the front door. She walked down the sidewalk to the bus. The bus arrived and she sighed with relief...." etc. etc. It makes the story sound robotic and strange. She could have condensed all that into one short sentence and conveyed everything with just those few words. Do you see what I mean? Your sentences are not anywhere near that, but I just thought I'd give a friendly suggestion for future postings.
Other than that minor issue, I thought the first chapter was decent and I'm on to the next.
Author's Response: I really appreciate the constructive criticism. Many of the other people who have reviewed have been saying the story was “good”, but giving no pointers to make it better. I actually re-read that chapter, and I can see what you mean. In future chapters, I’ll try my best to avoid that issue.
Date: 08/12/08 03:26 am Title: Chapter 15
I was flying *o* when bill and tom were kissing xD and fell pretty hard when Bill said he wasn't ready x.x Frustated like Tom x)
xD upload soon!!! I miss reading it!
Author's Response: I'm sorry. Don't worry though, Billa will be ready pretty soon..
Date: 08/12/08 01:37 am Title: Chapter 15
Ich liebe. MORE!!!!!!
Author's Response: More tomorrow, hopefully. :D
Date: 08/12/08 12:46 am Title: Chapter 15
Great chapter!!! I eas scared Tom was going to get mad.
Author's Response: Thanks. :) Understanding Tomi really is great isn't he?
Date: 08/11/08 11:39 pm Title: Chapter 15
Awwww thats so cute!
I loved the 'Monsoon' part =P
Im excited to see what else you have planed!
Author's Response: Aw, thank you. :D I have a lot planned. I wish I could tell you what, but, it'll be "interesting". :P
Date: 08/11/08 09:35 pm Title: Chapter 15
Aw I love understanding Tom lol
Author's Response: Aha, let's just hope he stays that way..