Date: 07/18/08 05:27 pm Title: Chapter 1
'You look up at me and smile gently. “Why are you so beautiful?” you ask, forgetting to play the game, speaking in your own voice now.
“Because I'm just like you,” I answer and brush your lips with mine.'
Gosh, how cute :-))
I loved this little story, it was really sweet. xx
Date: 04/05/08 08:54 am Title: Chapter 1
I Was bored, so I decided to read this again because I loved it so much the first time. And I wanted to leave you another review to tell you how much I enjoyed it and to clarify a couple of things.
First off I love how you have used of first person present tense. It's a difficult skill to manage and I think you've achieved it very well. It draws the reader in and gives a sense of what is happening now.
Secondly, I wanted to address a comment made in a previous review that states that this is written in second person.
It's clear from the very beginning, with the first word I and the continued use of the first person pronoun, with the narrator as the protagonist that this is not second person.
If you had used the pronoun 'you' when addressing the reader as the protagonist, then that would have placed the story in the second person. As the use of 'you' in the story is addressed to another character and not the reader then it is clear that this is written in the first person.
I just felt the need to address this as I know that English is not your first language. I would not want you to become confused with regard to further stories you may write in either of these two perspectives.
If you require any further clarifications of these two or any other writing styles I have found that this site has helpful information on different perspectives and tenses.
http://www.educationcoffeehouse.com/writing/pov.htm
Author's Response: Sheesh, girl, how the fuck do you expect me to get all that?! Lol, kidding ^_^ I know the difference between first and second person. At least I thought I did until this, rofl. Thanks, though (I think)! ♥
Date: 04/05/08 03:34 am Title: Chapter 1
Second person is difficult for even experienced writers to manage. Good for you for trying something challenging, but perhaps you weren't quite ready.
You need to indicate who “You” is right from the beginning. The way you started this makes it confusing. It's difficult to get any visuals when you give no indication of who the narrator is.
Your descriptions of movements are mechanical and lack creativity. Reading them is like eating dry toast.
You are taking a real risk in presenting this “game” to the readers. This isn't the sort of thing your average person does, and therefore you need to take the time to explain why they do this. Why are they pretending one of them is a child? What are they getting out of it? Presenting it without explanation just makes the whole thing seem disturbing. This story lacks credibility.
Dry toast with saccharine sprinkled on top.
Author's Response: I never even intended to indicate who the person speaking is or whom they are speaking to. I also never meant to explain the game, its causes or consequences. And finally, I have no idea what saccharine means.
Date: 03/31/08 09:36 pm Title: Chapter 1
what do you mean you can't write fluff?
seriously, it made me feel all gooey inside
and i can't explain how sweet that was
agh, i just love it so much(:
Author's Response: *sighs* All my fluffs end up as angsty one-shots D: ♥ Thanks :D
Date: 03/30/08 10:32 am Title: Chapter 1
awwww :')
sweetest thing ever! *cries*
Author's Response: Thank you :D
Date: 03/30/08 08:32 am Title: Chapter 1
Twincest for me seems like a reason to live right about now.
Author's Response: For me, 2, lol :D
Date: 03/30/08 01:49 am Title: Chapter 1
wow
this was the most beautiful think I have ever read
I am at a loss of words
thank you!
Author's Response: Oh, thank YOu, love ♥
Date: 03/29/08 04:45 pm Title: Chapter 1
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww this was amazing! :D
Author's Response: Thank you :D
Date: 03/29/08 04:41 pm Title: Chapter 1
Aww, I melted. That is fluffy! It was really cute, and the angst was, well, not too angsty and it balanced it out nicely. Lovely. And I love a shy, childish Bill that blushes!
Author's Response: You love evrerything that blushes, lol ♥ Thank you :D
Date: 03/29/08 04:26 pm Title: Chapter 1
I think this was really good! Very cute =)
Author's Response: Thank you :D
Date: 03/29/08 04:25 pm Title: Chapter 1
It was really sweet 8)
Author's Response: Thank you :D
Date: 03/29/08 04:18 pm Title: Chapter 1
Aww!!! ^^,
Ohmigosh so cute and amazing!!! ^^,
Author's Response: Thank you :D
Date: 03/29/08 04:13 pm Title: Chapter 1
That was very...aww XD I'm so bad at choosing words to describe things
Author's Response: Me 2, rofl ;) Thank you :D
Date: 03/29/08 04:12 pm Title: Chapter 1
very well done
one question: hoe old is Bill in there?
Author's Response: Woot, no idea xD Ummm, maybe somewhere between 15 and 18? (because of the implied Adult Content)