hey!just wanna say im loving this story!...its very good..i like your writing style..cant wait for more so please update soon xo

oh wow... just btw, I'm gonna have ta poke ya to death since you haven't updated yet....... please do, it really is good

i love it!!!! pls write the next chapter! ^_^

Omg that was an excellent first impression. I'd appreciate Tom on top of me. Hee hee. *drool*

Author's Response: mhm i think many many girls would appreciate Tom on top of them .... lucky Bill. Or maybe on top of Bill *evil smile* ----:D dyigndreams1292 :P

Hey. I just finished your latest chapter and I finally realized what's been bugging me about this story. It's not grammar or anything like that. It's a decently written story and the premise is intriguing.

It's certain parts of the plot that are bugging me.

For instance...I don't buy Bill as a reluctant assassin. I understand what happened to him as a child and that he was forced into this line of work, because it was either that or become a prostitute. I get that part. But...I don't buy him as being reluctant. He was trained from since he was a child. At this point in his life, all innocence and awkwardness would have been erased from him. Even if Bill hates his job and wants out of it, he would be ruthless. Realistically he would be ruthless. So the fact that he's sort of all: "Poor me." doesn't really fly.

Secondly, I am not getting the plan for him to infiltrate the band, seduce Tom and then kill him. If Bill has already planted himself in the band as the temporary lead singer, then there's really no need for him to seduce Tom at all. He's already in there. All he has to do is kill him. To me, the seduction part should have come first to endear himself to Tom, then somehow he lets Tom hear that he can sing and then Tom puts in a good word for him te replace Andreas--not knowing that it was Bill who incapacitated Andreas in the first place.

However, both of these plot points can be overlooked because, like I said, the premise of your story is intriguing and you are a good writer. What cannot really be overlooked is Bill's erratic behavior. One minute your Bill is really shy and coy. Next he's laughing with ease with Tom and boldly asking him if he needs a ride home on his motorcycle. It's weird character mood swings, you know? Bill is supposed to be seducing Tom. Your Bill is not acting seductive at all. He's shyly staring at Tom out of the corner of his eye and doing other tentative things. To seduce, he's got to be confident, a little aggressive--but not overly so--and just basically sexy. Bill is not really being any of these things, and for Jost to call him in as the professional he specifically wanted for this case, it just doesn't make sense.

You also have Bill thinking about how he's not good with small talk but that also doesn't make sense. True, hit men really don't have to talk to their victims. They usually just sniper them down from a distant location or slit their throat etc. and are done with that assignment. Those particular killers, I would agree that they are probably not good with small talk. But, in Bill's case, Jost wanted him to infiltrate the band and seduce Tom. That implies that Bill is skilled in doing these particular things, which means that he would be excellent at conversational skills and flirting. It wouldn't make sense for Jost to request him otherwise.

Like I said, it's not your writing in the clinical sense that is bugging me. Just certain parts of the plot/character development. Your Bill has got to start exuding the type of confidence ALL THE TIME and the detachment that all hit men have. Yes, I know you want Bill to be different than the other assassins, but he would still be able to mask that unhappiness and insecurity to do his job. Right now he's sort of acting like a shy virgin. If you had mentioned that Tom loves shy, little virgins when Jost was briefing Bill about the assignment, this would be a good reason to explain why Bill is acting this way. But since you didn't, Bill is acting strangely for a professional killer.

A friendly suggestion would be to just toughen Bill up more. Just the right amount, because you don't want him to come off sociopathic. You still want him to come across as someone your readers can relate to. But that is hard since you've decided to make him a hitman. But, it can be done. Also, work on his seduction angle more. Sexy smirks here, not so innocent touches there. I'm not saying have Bill throw Tom down in the studio and molest him, but the weird little blushing demeanor he has now just isn't working. A professional hitman who blushes? I don't think so.

I'm not going into all this to upset you. I'm actually going into all this because I want your story to be the best it can be. I am always honest in reviews, and trust me, if I've taken time to write out this much? It means I like your story. So please don't be offended.

Anyhow, I look forward to your next chapter.

Author's Response: i'm TOTALLY NOT offended! =) On the contrary, i'm actually very flattered that you would take the time to write such a long, analytical review! So thank you for helping me, it's given me more ideas for upcoming chapters.rnrnMhm, let me see if i can try and explain what I had meant for my story. But please excuse me if I don't make entire sense, being an awkward and not-a-very-creative-or-thought-out 16 yr old. =)rnrnBill seems to be half relucant and self-doubting because he DOES remember his happy childhood before ever-cursed Jost showing up. I meant for people to interpret that as something to hint that Bill did learn your basic humanity rules, such as protect your innocence and not to afflict pain on people. Therefore, I had imagined him at a point where he is internally struggling w/ being who he WANTS to be (a more innocent Bill) and who he HAS TO be for his job (assassin Bill). It also depends on the moralistic values of the person to determine whether or not their awkwardness and innocence is erased and how ruthless they are...which you'll see in future chapters that Bill can be ruthless.rnrnTo your second concern: Bill doesn't want to spark instant suspicion if he were to infiltrate the band as the singer and immediately kill Tom. If he were to seduce Tom and have a loving "relationship" with him, Bill could pass off as a victim in Tom's murder. Remember, Bill is a "master of the shadows" in that he doesn't and won't get caught.rnrnTo Bill's erratic behavior: I included strange character mood swings to emphasize Bill's ethnic struggle...although it probably wasn't something that I made all too clear. I also admit that I didn't realize I did that at first, but I learned to include it. His shyness and coyness was attentionative to Tom and that CAN pass off as sexy, depending on how it's done but you are right. I do need to make Bill more agressive in his approach, but keep in mind, they've only met for 2 days! Give Bill a little more time! If he had come on strong on the first encounter, Tom might have been driven away...or so I had hypothesized. I thought that would have been a little TOO whorish and I do want to preserve some on the real Bill. But you have an excellent point and I will include more aggression in Bill soon.rnrnBill self doubts himself in my story and it's also true that Jost called him in as his top professional, but SELF-DOUBTING is not neccesarily true. Bill IS suppose to be good at infiltration, seduction and conversational skills, but he doubts that he is. He had been trained by the best assassins in a tower, so I thought of that as an indication that Bill has possible superiors. I drew from my own experience to doubt yourself when you have competition, but perhaps it's not always true or perhaps I didn't indicate that clearly enough. Bill does know how to get this assassination project of his done and done properly but the lines of text that spew insecurity and unhappiness are suppose to be the hidden side of Bill that no one can detect but is still there. rnrnThank you so much for your review and putting so much time to write out a 10 paragraphed critique! I'm spazzing as I type that you like my story... admittedly I'm quite insecure about my writing. So in future chapters, you'll see more of the agressive side of Bill and more seducing. I MIGHT keep some blushing though because it IS a natural human response to affection and I doubt an assassin, even the best agents, could stop instinctive hormones and be THAT perfect. Besides, I think Tom might like a little blushing demeanor...but I'm kind of bluffing at that. So basically from now on, my plot will be a little more heated!rnrnThanks (for the third time) and I hope you'll keep reading Duplicity and that you write more of these critique-ing reviews! It makes me feel like I have a behind-the-scenes editor! =)rnrnoh AND as another method of thanks (4x now), look for my dedication to you in the next chapter! (srry if it's a really bad way of thanking you)rnrn:D dyingdreams1292 :P

I don't wanna poke you! Now that it's getting interesting.
Can't wait until Bill get's to use those hooker tricks xD
*hugs*

Author's Response: can't wait until he applies those tips =) -----:D dyingdreams1292:P

Ooh, I'm glad I finally decided to read this!! Looking forward to the next chapter, hun. C:

Author's Response: WOO! i'm glad you like it!!! next chapter's coming soon =))) ----:D dyingdreams1292 :P

oooh, exciting...please continue

Author's Response: YAY i will! ----:D dyingdreams1292 :P

Well I'm gonna poke you to death anyway because this was so darn good. *Huggles* You rock!

Author's Response: *huggles* I'M GONNA BE POKED TO DEATH BY MANDI! i'm so special!! ----:D dyingdreams1292 :P

I love it. I am dying to know what will happen in the next chapter!

So pease, don't take to long and updat soon;)