Date: 12/12/17 08:55 pm Title: Chapter 35: The end
this was a really good story!
you should do s sequel to this
Author's Response: Thank you :) I will think about doing a sequel in the near future :)
Date: 12/12/17 08:55 pm Title: Chapter 35: The end
this was a really good story!
you should do s sequel to this
Date: 08/19/16 03:18 pm Title: Chapter 35: The end
this was a good story!
Author's Response: Thank you! :)
Date: 11/19/15 04:08 pm Title: Chapter 35: The end
Hey!
(sorry, I'm german, so my english isn't perfect, but I hope you will understand me)
First I want to tell you, that the idea of this story is really nice. It's a bit new, and it's good. I like bill and tom them being actors.
But I you said it's your first story and yeah … i could 'read' that. I want to tell you what botherd me while reading and I hope, you will not be angry with me, because I mean it nice, and don't want to make you angry :)
1.
Sometimes you changed the perspective without a reason. Like in the last chapter. For example:
A lot has happened in 5 years, but Tom and Bill are still ....
Then we also have Sven, of course. He's a...
First it's the teller perspective, then out of nowhere, it's Bills.
2.
Then the feelings. I have to admit, that I didnt felt the feelings :( No love between Bill and Tom and not really much love to their children. Google for 'Show, don't tell' – because thats why there are no feelings for the readers. It doesn't matter when Tom says he loves Bill. It's just a sentence. He has to 'feel' it. Like:
Tom felt how his heart poundet like mad and his hands sweating, because he was so nervaus. He couldn't imagine that Bill felt the same for him, so he was afraid, that Bill just would stand up and leave him – for ever.
Or if it's the teller perspective: Drops of sweat were falling down from Toms chin. You could see, that he was unbelieveable nervous – afraid, to be left behind when Bill would just go, because Tom told him how he felt.
3.
The third problem was, sometimes, it was unrealistic. Like when Tom 'became' a father. No lawyer can just stand infront of your door and tell you that this is your child und you have to take care of it from NOW on. No, it needs a long time so he is even allowed to take care of a child!
Also there was no family from the mothers side, that wanted to see the girl from time to time.
Or when Tom went to the press and told them, that Bill is the father of the girl (his daughter). They just believed him – I mean he is also an actor! Why would a actor go to the press to tell them a secret about another actor? It's weird (also that Tom did that.)
Another exampel: Bill just just taking care of Toms Child. He didn't even really know or like tom. He should have called child care, because ... when someones comes to you, tells you you have to take care of his child because he isn't ready for that – and this goes over weeks or months, you would call child care.
Also that the two of them really had sex in the film – and that without a condom! If it would've been a porn, okay – but not in a normal movie! All the sexscience are acted – there is no really sex in movies like this!
I hope you are not angry with me, because I wrote critic :( But I want to be honest, and you seems to be a nice person that enjoys to write and to share that – and you like it to get reviews, so I wanted to give you one – with a bit hope that maybe you want to take my critic :)
I liked the storyline, but there where a few things, that could've been better. But hey, it was your first story :)
Author's Response: Thank you very much. I understood everything you said. I'm not angry with you at all :) It's good to get critics like this, because it hopefully will help me to improve my writing in future stories. I will choose one of my easier ideas, which will be easier to make realistic, so I can work on your first points of critics, and then later I can write on one of my stories which will be harder to write. (yes, I got tons of ideas :$) And I want to thank you again for your critics, really, thank you :)
Date: 11/19/15 03:25 pm Title: Chapter 35: The end
It was a story with an interesting idea. I think that if you had the story more expanded and added more emotions there, it could turn out really great!
I wish you good luck with your other stories!
Author's Response: Thank you :) I'm still working on how to get a better writer, and someday I hope to write a better story than this one with more emotions and so on :)
Date: 11/17/15 09:08 pm Title: Chapter 34: Bill and Sven
It's like you're feeding me one skittle at a time lol
Author's Response: Hihi :) Thank you for your review :)
Date: 11/16/15 04:41 pm Title: Chapter 33: Movie
tomi is a super daddy xD
Author's Response: Yes, that's for sure :D And Bill is a super daddy or mommy, it depends on how you look at it, too :) I just didn't really write about Bill and Sven together, yet, except for the scene where Bill held Sven for the first time :) Thank you for your review :)
Date: 11/13/15 08:37 pm Title: Chapter 32: The baby
Good thing that Bill's c-section went fine! Tomi is the best dada in the world :-)
Author's Response: Yeah, he totally is :) Thank you.
Date: 11/13/15 09:19 am Title: Chapter 32: The baby
Ok I have one problem about this story....You write so fast, what I mean is that everything is happening so so fast, like the birth part, he came in hospital, he wait for doctor, he give birth...to fast...from the begin of this story this is the part that annoys me, everything is so fast, there is no any actions, and I can not imagine anything that happens in the story...yeah she is so beautiful and interesting but there is no happenings between, and that is what annoys me....other ways I like it...I know you probably donīt have time, but try for the next parts to be longer, and with really actions, so that way you will have more people that reads this story....and please donīt be mad at me Iīm just honest and I want to help, because I write to....
Author's Response: Thank you :) I'm not mad at all :) I will try to work on it, but I can't promise anything, it's still hard for me to write certain things, and yes, I'm still learning, and when I can't make it better for the last few chapters, I will deffinitly do it better in my next story, or at least I try :)
Date: 11/12/15 02:47 pm Title: Chapter 31: The premiere
OMG itīs happening finally....I hope itīs
a boy, because they have a girl....anyways put the new part soon please....:D
Author's Response: Yes, the baby will be born, very soon now :D I don't know what the sex of the baby is going to be either, but we'll see if they're going to have a boy, where you're hoping for, or that it's going to be another girl :) I hope I can finish a new chapter tomorrow, before my dad is coming to pick me up for a weekend away, if not, then maybe I can finish the chapter in the bungalow, somewhere this weekend, if not, then it will be up on Monday or Tuesday :) Thank you for your review :)
Date: 11/12/15 01:59 pm Title: Chapter 31: The premiere
I KNEEEW IT!!! Hehehehe
Poor Tomi starting to get nervous, Bill in pain sorry sweetie!
Author's Response: Yes, Tom is very, very nervous :) And yes, Bill's in pain :( But something beautiful will come out of it :) Thank you for your review :)
Date: 11/11/15 06:27 pm Title: Chapter 30: Premiere date
oh I hope they'll all be alright :)
Author's Response: You will know if they will be very soon :) Thank you for reviewing :)
Date: 11/11/15 04:51 pm Title: Chapter 30: Premiere date
Hmmm... why do I have the feeling that something's gonna happen at the premiere!?!?
Author's Response: I didn't really think about something happening at the premiere xD But yeah, I only really think about it while writing, so, who knows, something might, or might not happen there :) You will know soon enough :) Thank you for your review :)
Date: 11/11/15 01:12 pm Title: Chapter 30: Premiere date
Ok, first I want to say that I read this story from begin but I never review īcuz I just donīt have time...I really like this story, and I like that they are finally together....So please put the new part soon :D....
Author's Response: Awh,thank you very much :) I understand :) A new chapter will probably be up tomorrow, or Friday :)
Date: 11/09/15 06:27 pm Title: Chapter 29: The date
Very sweet :)
Author's Response: Thank you for your review :)
Date: 11/07/15 06:49 pm Title: Chapter 28: Together
Such a sweet ending to this chapter. :)
Author's Response: Yes, right? :) Thank you for your review :) next chapter will be up on tuesday :)
Date: 11/03/15 02:15 am Title: Chapter 27: Confessions
Yes! I didn't think Tom would be the first to admit it!
Can't wait for more!
Author's Response: But he did :D The next chapter will be up pretty soon :)
Date: 11/02/15 03:23 pm Title: Chapter 27: Confessions
Omg yesss tom xD
Author's Response: :) He finally told Bill :D Thanks for your review :)
Date: 11/02/15 02:48 pm Title: Chapter 27: Confessions
Finally Tom admited it to him!
Author's Response: Yes, finally, it took him way too long xD Thank you for your review :)
Date: 11/01/15 05:12 am Title: Chapter 26: The move
Omg I just read all the story and i love it, i really like it
Author's Response: Thank you very much :)