This has a lot of potential, but you need to either beta or re-edit.

There's a lot of mistakes such as when you have two or more people speaking on the same line, words have bunched up together. It's also very fast paced - there is nothing with slowing it down, putting more detail into it.

I'm not trying to be harsh. I just think it has a lot of work needed on it but it could be really good.

Author's Response: i know i know this is my first time writing and thanks for being honest. I'm going to try beta reading i need to improve in some stuff but thanks for your help...