Okay. I have a few suggestions for you.

First of all, don't write in second person point of view. Try first or third person point of view instead. It's much more easier to write and read it that way.

Second, you should read over your story and fix any grammar mistakes that you might have. I came across a few upon reading your story. Don't forget the verb agreements either.

Lastly, you might want to include some dialogue in your story, to make if flow easier. That is, however, if this is going to be a very long story (ex: more than 3 chapter).

While you're talking about the history of your characters, try to blend it in better with the present time in the story. It seemed as if you just plopped information about everyone into the story.

Like, I said before, dialogue :) Dialogue makes everything interesting.

I hope I helped you :) I can't wait to see what's gonna happen next :)

Author's Response: I want thank you for the advice. I'm not really great at writing yet, so anything would be great. I'm kind of disappointed that I still made grammar mistakes after I read over it many times.:( Guess that what beta readers are for!rnThanks again and I am going to try to fix the story up!