Date: 08/30/11 12:44 am Title: Chapter 1
Aw, give your readers come credit. You can still say "Evelyn didn't know what the twins were whispering about" (or something along those lines) to get around that.
Ultimately, though, it's your story and I'm only one person giving you suggestions, so you can do whatever you want. I'll probably keep reading anyway.
The grammar and sentence structures aren't wrong, but they could be smoother and the paragraphs could have more variation. That's something you figure out and fix with practice. The more you write, the better you get.
Also, YES! You aren't totally angry! I usually don't offer major constructive criticism (it's usually "work on spelling" or "x does not work that way, FYI") for fear of getting "yelled" at, but I basically told you to change a huge part of your story and you were happy about it.
If I keep going, I'll probably digress and end up ranting about something totally unrelated to your story, so good luck on the next chapter and I hope it comes soon. :)
Wait -- who did the banner? It's amazing.
Author's Response: I do give them credit, I"m so lucky to have the people who read my stuff, I cherish all of them.rnrnhaha alright, I'll keep you to that! :PrnrnI'm an author and my book just came out so i love any criticism I can get, most people tell me my writing is great and fabulous and brilliant and blah blah blah, it doesn't help me or my readers in the long run, so I appreciate everything you can give me! :)rnrnlol well I'm working on the next chapter of both this and autumn goodbye so both should be up soon :) rnrnand I did the banner. I'm glad you like it! I love making banners and covers :)
Date: 08/29/11 04:40 pm Title: Chapter 1
First of all, I have to say that the translations are really distracting. Even though I still remember a little French, having to read it takes away from the flow of the story. It would probably be better if you just wrote everything in English but mentioned that the character was raised in France/Germany and primarily spoke French/German. (Which you did.)
Other than that, I think the story has a lot of promise. I like the way you balance characters action with description -- it's not all description of who's wearing what, but it's not totally beige prose where people just do things and you have no idea what they or their surroundings look like.
Some of the sentences are a little clunky, but nothing that you can't improve just by writing more.
Author's Response: Thank you for your feedback! Its wonderful to actually hear a critique! I have to explain myself, the reason for the French in the story along with the German is that its just my style of writing. See if I posted everything in English it just wouldn't go with how the charactures are suppose to interact. If they speak in English all throughout the book then people will think they speak are speaking English and will get confused when I say the German charactures don't know what they are saying. Does that make sense? Also the french will and German will come in handy when they are fighting in front of people who don't speak their language (that will have no translations) rnrnThough i'm glad you think the story has promise. And I'm sorry if some of the grammar or structure is incorrect, I didn't have anyone to look over it for me, so it is a bit rough. sorry!
Date: 08/29/11 01:02 am Title: Chapter 1
I really enjoyed this! I can't wait for the next chapter Phoenix! And the banner looks amazing :D
Author's Response: thanks Marissa. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)rnhaha thank you, i'm proud of it