Date: 10/07/11 07:31 pm Title: Envy.
I loved the chapter, looks like a promising story! Can't wait to read some more!
Date: 08/22/11 01:51 am Title: Envy.
Can't wait to read more! XD
Date: 07/29/11 12:17 pm Title: Envy.
I like it so much ! I like femmeslash, it's...different, new. I admire you !
Date: 07/29/11 11:07 am Title: Envy.
I'm excited for this! I like the premise, and your writing is interesting and well paced. Don't listen to the femmeslash haters, lots of people love femmeslash and no one should be pressuring you to write one pairing or the other. In fact, I'm excited to see a femmeslash fic in this kind of setting. It seems really promising!
I have a couple critiques, though, if you don't mind. In the chapter you switch tenses a few times, for example:
“Fuck!” Bella exclaims after she glances at the hot pink digital watch strapped to her wrist. She was so late."
The first sentence is in present tense, while the second - and most of the chapter - is in past. Just make sure to reread your writing to catch things like this!
Also, your sentence structure is a bit confusing and makes the story hard to follow in places. For example, the line after the one above:
"Her foot slams on the gas, which she hadn't of done if she wasn't in a hurry, her father had almost completely rebuilt a black and orange Mustang for her eighteenth birthday. "
In the first part you write "hadn't of done" but I think you meant "wouldn't have done," am I correct? Also, since the second part, starting with "her father," is a complete sentence, the two parts need to be separated with a semicolon or a period. A comma makes it read as a run-on.
Your writing itself is fine, but your grammar makes it read a bit strangely. I hope you find this helpful, and I can't wait to read more! :)
Author's Response: This helps so much actually. I have ALWAYS ALWAY ALWAYS had trouble wtih grammar and mostly the tenses. D: My beta didnt catch it so I thought it was fine, but maybe I need sum extra help. Thank you! :)
Date: 07/29/11 10:55 am Title: Envy.
First of all, I LOVE the concept of the drag racing. The fact that Bill/Bella was the 'starter girl' really made me grin - I could picture that in my mind very clearly.
Really looking forward to when Bella discovers that Tori is a girl - and some femmeslash! (there is such a woeful lack of it on the site - kudos on you for bringing more of it to those of us who enjoy reading it) :)
Date: 07/28/11 10:50 pm Title: Envy.
I see :/ of course I will wait for more of your stories in future!
are you giving up writting slash completly?
Author's Response: Of course not.
Date: 07/28/11 10:41 pm Title: Envy.
girls are still girls, so even no sex or interesting plot can't help :/
would love to read something from you , since plot of this one story seems to be interesting and original! did you write under different nickname here?
Author's Response: Well I wud feel bad if I lost a reader but if you feel that way. I did, but I deleted it and made this one. If I can find a slash sumwhere hidden in my computer I'll send it to you.
Date: 07/28/11 10:32 pm Title: Envy.
oh, so you have written some slash too?
Author's Response: yes, that's all I used to write but recently I've been interested in femmeslash so I'm trying it out. I swear this won't all just be lesbian sex. xD I suck at sex scenes anyways.
Date: 07/28/11 10:24 pm Title: Envy.
could be so interesting, perfect pairing and good plot, but femmeslash? thats's so ewww...
hope for slash from you in future :)
Author's Response: I cant really change the type now...I wanted to try something other than slash so I'm giving femmeslash a try.
Date: 07/28/11 09:52 pm Title: Envy.
i'm liking this so far. i have a slightly huge love for femmeslash recently and im looking forward to seeing where this goes.
Author's Response: So do I. :)
Date: 07/28/11 09:41 pm Title: Envy.
At first when I saw your banner I was like "OMG, yay, soooo beautiful Bill, must.read.it.now!!". Then I scrolled and saw it's femmeslash and my enthusiasm drastically deflated... Why they have to be girls? (;_;)
Author's Response: I'm just trying something new. :)