The really interesting thing is that you joined on my birthday.

Sorry Deary, but the review I am about to give is going to come off as really harsh.

I couldn't make it pass chapter one. You know, I really tried. I made it to Bill and Tom's room before I quit.

Well, I'm going to take a few guesses on some things and then I'm going to tell you what's wrong. It's only constructive criticism. I'm not trying to be a dick about anything.

Well truly, I think you're a ninth grader. And well of course you're still in high school. So I'm taking a guess and saying you're between the ages of 14-16. I suppose that's all fine and dandy. That's all I'm guessing at.

So on to your story. Well, to start off with. Why are you writing so formal? It's a major turn off from any high school story. This isn't the beginning of the 20th century. All the formality, there's no need. Mainly because if Bill is friends with Gustav; he's not going to not use contractions. It's a show of familiarity that friends share if they don't use contractions.

You lack detail, as well. When you begin a story, well you never really begin one like you have now.

"When Gustav and I get in to our third period biology class, we sit down and begin to write down the notes that are already on the board.”

The way you began, well it doesn't really capture your reader. This line is like a guppy when you really want a shark. I think I know how you wanted to start off, but at you haven't really gained enough skill in writing to start off perfectly.

You're also telling a story here. I mean literally you're telling a story. And I know you're thinking that's the point of a story- to tell. But I'm not "feeling" what you're writing. All I am doing is reading. So when I say you lack detail, I mean it in the way of saying that you lack personality.

I went through your other chapters. I really don’t know what to say to this. Ok. I’m going to be blunt here. But your story really, really, needs some major work.

You change your point of views way too much. And your transition is really off. The thing about writing in one person is that it needs to be circled around one person. You just threw in like five people. And I see that you’re trying to throw in subplots. But honey, this isn’t the way to go about it. Your chapters are really short.

I’m just going to be very harsh about this. You need to consider a beta and a writing instructor to help you understand the methods to becoming a better writer.

Your story is way too confusing. You haven’t established a definite plot to your story. You’re taking the POVs out of control. And you haven’t given detail about any of the characters.

Also, what is up with Simone? As a mother she’s not going to act that way. I understand that it’s your story, but think about what any decent mother would do if she realized both of her sons were having sex.

Also the hostility you put for people being gay is rather interesting. I see what you’re trying to do but you’re just so jumpy.

Your story is bad. It needs some work. I can see where you’re going with this but I also see that you have no real definite blue print for what you want to do here.

What you really need to work on is your attention to detail. Your setting and how the characters talk to one another. Otherwise you’ll come off as forced. And please, no point of view changes. At least not like that. You change a point of view in third person and sometimes in first person it will work. But that depends on how good of a writer you are. I’m sorry, but you’re not capable of switching POVs in first person just yet.

I think you need to write this story over and think about everything you want to say and do before you write. Otherwise you’ll continue to confuse your reader. Also think about getting a beta. I really think you need one. Now I beta on and off and I would beta for you, but – and I’m not saying you’ll allow me to- if I were to be your beta before I could let you get away with posting a story such as this I would have to ask you to look up and read some books on syntax, diction.

Remember that constructive criticism is good. So if you have a few reviewers that tell you that something needs work. Believe them and try your best to solve the problem.  Writing is a skill; it’s a craft that takes time to master. Because like Languages no is born skilled in writing.

Also, I am a Linguistics minor and I’m all about learning new languages. So I’m not trying to sound like a know-it-all or a dick. But I’m just pointing out your flaws so you can fix them later. Because if you don’t fix them now, your future stories will be just as worse as your older stories and the key to becoming a great writer is to get better and learn from your mistakes.