Date: 03/24/15 11:05 am Title: Tomi's little fetish
Bill stood slowly and they faced each other. 'stuff it' Bill thought and stepped close to his brother “Tom” before Bill could say anything Tom yanked him close, pushing their lips together. Bill melted. His brother was warm after his cold shower and his lips were like the silk of his new boxers. Tom kept his eyes closed as he held his brothers slim figure to his body. His hands had pulled him close by his shoulders, they now moved to his brothers hips.
Sorry, did he just compare Tom's lips to boxers?!?
Date: 08/06/14 09:50 pm Title: Tomi's little fetish
This was so cute and funny. :)
Date: 12/02/10 01:08 am Title: Tomi's little fetish
I loved it! But you know Georg's name doesn't have an 'e' right?
Author's Response:
oops?
Date: 11/24/10 06:31 am Title: Tomi's little fetish
Poorly written, however it has some potential.
Date: 11/20/10 11:19 pm Title: Tomi's little fetish
lol that was great
Date: 11/19/10 04:58 pm Title: Tomi's little fetish
Like Ema21, I also think the fic is cute but there are things that needed to be corrected.
The spelling and punctuation errors being a big flaw I noticed. So I agree with her about getting a BETA reader to check over your work, they are surprisingly helpful when they know what they are doing.
Another thing I suggest you not do unless you're looking for the humor is to not have your author comments in the middle of the story, it kills whatever mood you are trying to create.
Date: 11/19/10 08:18 am Title: Tomi's little fetish
Not a bad story. It's cute and charming and the humor is a nice touch.
Your writing ettiquette needs improvement however. And by that I mean: BETA NEEDED! lol.
You have wrong punctuation, and misspelled words, and typos, and the paragraph structure is off, and the way you dont capitalize sometimes, and italisize too many thoughts, and errant apostrophe, etc. It's mainly spelling and punctuation, etc, which is the lousy and distracting part. And I think that's really too bad, because you're actually a pretty good writer.
I loved that you gave Bill glasses, and the fact that the G's tease eachother, and the way Bill is a timid virgin. Very cute. Definitely charming.
The story has good flow and a cute plot and it's decently well written.
A proof-read and spell-check will go a verrry long way here, since that's pretty much the only thing wrong.
Ok?
Well done tho. I liked reading this. :)