Date: 04/28/08 07:55 pm Title: Chapter 2 HARSH
I squint at her. ‘what the fuck she just dissed the shit out of me’ I scream inside my head.
whahaha yeah she dissed you out
bill@!
Girl TLMFAO!!!!
great!
Date: 04/28/08 07:49 pm Title: Chapter 1Battle of the Bands
And Another Idiot Died Saturday A.K.A AIDS!!!”
fuck man I love the nameXD
whahah man you made me laugh when she started taking off her earing and stuff^^
that's so from the hood XD
whaha fo shizzle XD
yep snoop G DD made thatXD
that sucks two months with someone you hate!
haha nice beginning!
Date: 04/20/08 11:04 pm Title: Chapter 7 Oops
uh oh! This is getting to be soo good.
Date: 04/20/08 03:48 pm Title: Chapter 7 Oops
ha ha at last she told him bout his nose lol and btw this chap was AWESOME lol no seriously update soon or i think i die
ok jkz aside i loved it
ly
xxx
Date: 04/06/08 06:46 pm Title: Chapter 6 Wine Red
Awesome chapter , please update xD
Date: 04/06/08 05:07 pm Title: Chapter 6 Wine Red
Can't wait for more! This is really good... it's soo suspenseful! I wonder what's gonna happen next...
Date: 04/06/08 04:13 pm Title: Chapter 5 fans are the best (REDONE)
Kookie, why didn't you copy the entire document that I sent you and paste it? You took out all the html that I had put that makes certain text bold, italicized, and underlined
Instead of Battle of the Bands as the title in the document that I sent you (on the top of the page), just change it to Fans are the Best
Trust me, it'll make a huge difference and stand out much more.
~Ria
Author's Response: omg im so sorryrnyou see my computer does this thing where if you send me mail in my mail box it puts all this retarted stuff in it and i thought thats what it was ill go change it now
Date: 04/06/08 03:11 pm Title: Chapter 6 Wine Red
woooooooooow this chap was well good i loved it soo darn much this is gr9 upate soon
ly
xxx
Date: 04/05/08 09:01 am Title: Chapter 5 fans are the best (REDONE)
Aw, the ending is so sad =(
Awesome chapter :)
Please update!:D
Date: 04/05/08 04:24 am Title: Chapter 5 fans are the best (REDONE)
awwwwww thts so sad lol bill and kookie maske lauf lol
updates soobn
lyxx
Date: 04/04/08 09:13 pm Title: Chapter 3 Oh my lordy, are u serious
This chapter has the same period/comma confusion in dialogue.
This is odd:
My eyes wander around the lounge area. There is a black leather couch shaped perfectly to fit the form of the room, a flat screen TV which looks like it flips out of the ceiling of the bus and a cool oval shaped steel table with a keyboard ( for the internet I guess) in the middle of it.
Why do you have inner thought within inner thought? It's already first person, which means it's already inner thought. Inner thought within inner thought is odd.
Overall, it is an improvement over the first chapter but you still have a lot of mistakes.
Author's Response: i like inner thought with in inner thought i do it all the time rnnot just in stories but for real too
Date: 04/04/08 09:04 pm Title: Chapter 2 HARSH
Since you are upset that I only reviewed your first chapter before you had a beta reader, I will continue rating your later chapters.
“Their not even here there hanging out in there hotel room a couple doors down from ours.”
They are or They're.
“Do I have to go alone though.” I whine.
“Do I have to go alone though,” I whine. (Use commas, not periods. You make this mistake throughout the chapter.)
You rely too heavily on dialogue. It makes up more than half your story. Try adding more description of body language, movement, and setting. A story that is all dialogue is dry and boring to read.
I am glad to see that this chapter has spaces between the dialogue. That is an improvement.
Author's Response: ok ok ok rnthats the best adviee you've givin in all your reveiwsrnbut instead of comfront me you should confron the beta readers and the people who let my submissions go threwrnbut thanx anyway
Date: 04/04/08 08:36 pm Title: Chapter 1Battle of the Bands
Could you at least try to hide the fact that this is a blatant self-insert Mary Sue? Seriously, inserting yourself into fanfiction so you can fantasize about romance with the band is a huge fanfic faux pas.
This thing is so full of errors I don't even know where to begin. Perhaps we should start with the first paragraph. I'll dissect it just to show you what I'm talking about.
“Ok were back with another episode of Battle of the Bands” The host said in the most annoying cheerful voice ever. Iv been on this show for ever and it pissing me off every things going wrong I didn’t think that most beautiful guy in the world could be such an ass hole, but I guess I was wrong.
Were = we're (contraction for we are)
Iv = I've
for ever = forever
Period after “pissing me off”
every things = Everything's or everything is
Period after “going wrong.”
I'm not going to bother to go on correcting every little mistake.
You need to put spaces between lines of dialogue. You can not just stack them on top of each other and pretend that they are a paragraph.
Speaking of dialogue, where are your speech tags and punctuation?
Author's Response: look bitch i didnt get that one beta read and english is not my greatest language and rnread the rest of the shit before u get all types of fucking hecktikrnso u can hop the fuck of my clit
Date: 04/02/08 07:59 pm Title: Chapter 4 Sticky Hate
Oh.
My.
Lord.
Bill is so evil. That was really mean. I actually feel sorry for her and i hate her character. I am ashamed. ::hangs head in shame::
Date: 04/02/08 07:50 pm Title: Chapter 3 Oh my lordy, are u serious
OMG this story is so funny (i luv georgs comment XDDD)
Date: 04/02/08 07:43 pm Title: Chapter 2 HARSH
OMG bill burned her bad lol i laughed so hard at that part!
Date: 03/23/08 08:24 am Title: Chapter 1Battle of the Bands
this is amazing.. keep reposting coz i`m so addicted to it :)
Date: 03/22/08 07:49 pm Title: Chapter 4 Sticky Hate
Zomg. So intense. >,<
This is amazing btw... you just HAVE to keep it up, but you might wanna slow down all the action, it's moving a tad too fast and it would prolly be easier to write ;P
luv the story, xoxo
Author's Response: thanx i thought i was tooornbut then my mom was all ppl love action
Date: 03/22/08 04:59 pm Title: Chapter 4 Sticky Hate
Awesome chapter XD
Please update soon, I love it =D
Date: 03/22/08 03:24 pm Title: Chapter 4 Sticky Hate
I'm so proud of Tom...That's what I'm talkin bout, don't let anybody push your little brother around except you lol :}
Author's Response: lol :3