Date: 08/19/10 02:39 pm Title: Fucking my own brother
Oh so they figured it out finally!
I'm sooo willing to find out what's next.
Author's Response: hhehe ;) Well there's going to be some... DRAMA ;o Big shocker xD
Date: 08/12/10 08:28 am Title: Fucking my own brother
love it
Author's Response: thank you! :D
Date: 08/12/10 04:27 am Title: Fucking my own brother
I thought TOM wasn't supposed to talk to Bill, not the other way around.
Author's Response: it's coming, this was just a minor argue ;)
Date: 08/10/10 09:20 pm Title: Chapter 3
o_O whoa...these two better clear the air and face fact's pdq! Can't wait for another chapter.
Author's Response: :) Coming soon <3
Date: 08/10/10 08:27 pm Title: One by one they go
How could Bill call Tom a whore?! That was mean :(
Author's Response: I know :(
Date: 08/10/10 05:38 pm Title: Chapter 3
please update again soon!!
Author's Response: i promise i will hon :) <3
Date: 06/27/10 08:32 pm Title: One by one they go
There are quite a few technical mistakes such as spellings and word separation between 'each' and 'other', 'gas' and 'station' etc. Your paragraph division is also a bit... improper. I suggest you group them in paragraphs instead of separating one sentence where it clearly should not be.
Plot-wise, I think the story is on a good start. it needs more emotion into it. It's almost there but more details on Tom's feelings wouldn't hurt. The length I think isn't a problem. I'm always more of a "quality over quantity" kind of person.
It wouldn't hurt to get a beta or someone to just roughly check over it and/or give you opinions. ^^
Author's Response: Thaaank yu so much for your opinions! May I ask you if you would like to beta for me? :)
Date: 06/27/10 06:28 pm Title: One by one they go
short we dont like. i want more O.O
Author's Response: hahah. There will be more tonight! <3
Date: 06/27/10 06:25 pm Title: One by one they go
ahhhh poor tom
Date: 06/27/10 06:25 pm Title: One by one they go
Me like it a lot n' lot :D
Me must have more, or else we all must die...
You know, like in WORMS. SUDDEN DEATH!
OMG :O
Author's Response: hahah ur funny! There will be more promise!!! <3
Date: 06/27/10 12:21 am Title: Hi Tom, Bye Tom!
You should work on your line spacing, capitalization (like 'I' instead of 'i', it's proper English grammar)putting spaces before each new word and spellchecking some other words. You've got a few that are actually two words, not one word, like 'gas station', which you put down as 'gasstation', 'parkinglot', which should be 'parking lot', 'eachother', which should be 'each other' and so on and so forth. There are a few grammatical mistakes such as 'twin brothers neck' instead of 'twin brother's neck', and you should probably ask someone to look over your chapters before you post. It really, really helps with things, they catch things that you might not have ever noticed. I always use someone for that.
Anyway, other than that, your story seems okay! :) Congrats on submitting your very first story! I hope you get lots of reviews and favorites. :) I'd be willing to clean this up and correct it a bit if you'd like! Contact me on MSN at Isobel_B@live. com, if you want to. Otherwise, my contact information is on my profile.
This was a nice, short read. Even if I'm not too sure that you'd need bolts for a broken wrist.
Date: 06/26/10 09:56 pm Title: Hi Tom, Bye Tom!
This is differant, I like the beginning a lot. Ready to read more.
Author's Response: thank u very much, any ideas how to continue the story? pretty please with a cherry on top
Date: 06/26/10 08:10 pm Title: Hi Tom, Bye Tom!
Good first chapter..i like it a lot..nice idea.. i LOVE jealous tom.
your first story in english? wow i would never have guessed! your english is preety awesome!
*faves story* and *offers you cookie*
take care & (update as soon as you can)
Author's Response: thankyouthankyouthankyou. lots of love from me <3 take care
Date: 06/26/10 07:53 pm Title: Hi Tom, Bye Tom!
Like it a lot :D
Author's Response: thaaanks hun <3