Date: 11/19/07 08:13 pm Title: Chapter 1
...
Ok...the plot isn't bad. It can turn into a great fic if you work harder on it.
Bill and Tom are a bit OOC but since they are real people I will ignore that. What I can't ignore is the lack of paragraphs and grammar mistakes. I stopped reading when I reached the middle of the fic because the bunch of words in one gigantic paragraph confused me.
"The next morning I opened my eyes to meet my brothers. " Brother's.
Not to mention "afriad" instead of afraid.
If your friend did it, check it before posting. Or at least eit afterwards.
Fix the grammar, add some paragraphs and it will be perfect.
Date: 10/30/07 07:41 pm Title: Chapter 1
don't try and blame your sloppy mistakes on your friends! naughty naughty! lol only joking!
the band geeks episode is my favourite episode of spongebob too! whoop whoop! =D x
Date: 10/25/07 09:53 am Title: Chapter 1
Tom is 10 minutes older, not 15... but other then that it was a good story, but there should have been more details and foreplay and insecurity...
Date: 10/10/07 03:46 pm Title: Chapter 1
Won't Georg be a little suspisious (SP), but I still luved it!
Date: 09/05/07 09:09 pm Title: Chapter 1
It's very good:) I like it! ut it should be " I was glad he wasn't crying any more." Not "no more." lol:P But other than that very very good:D
Date: 08/04/07 10:40 pm Title: Chapter 1
Unless the person that wrote this learned English as a second language, it isn’t written very well.
"After that person broke off the kiss, it turned on a flashlight"
it should be, 'after the person broke off the kiss, they turned on a flashlight.' you would not call a person 'it' once you have established that the thing in question is a person they should be referred to as 'they' until a gender is determined. The word 'also' was used a few to many times too. This piece just doesn’t flow very well. It’s rather choppy. If that and the grammar errors were fixed, it would be a nice story though.
Author's Response: yeah it was my friends and she wrote it rather quick sorry. ill try to fix it later.