Date: 06/23/10 02:54 pm Title: Chapter 1
cute, i liked it
Author's Response: thanks sie!
Date: 06/23/10 02:52 pm Title: Chapter 1
and you tell me to not be unsure of myself? Ash, this is so sweet!! i like it!!! it's very fast though but i guess that's the only way we can get to the sex scene XD I like it!! -hugs-
--jilly
Author's Response: thanks jilly love ya girly!
Date: 04/24/10 10:27 pm Title: Chapter 1
AW! I felt like crying when Bill thought Tom was gonna hit him. That's a touchy thing with me.
The little sex at the end totally crept up on me. XD
Good job! A little rushed, but that's okay. :)
Author's Response: thanks amy my dear :) didnt mean for it to sound rushed
Date: 04/23/10 05:21 pm Title: Chapter 1
short and sweet, it's really cute but a little cliché and corny which makes it all the better. I think that you've actually done a good job on this, maybe if you re-wrote and made it longer, included extra details, make more chapters then BAM! you've got a great story right there ^o^
loooooooove your storyyyyyy :D
...Did I mention I loved it? x'D
Author's Response: yes u did. thank you! i really appreciate it. :)
Date: 04/23/10 03:38 pm Title: Chapter 1
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Author's Response: thank you :)
Date: 04/23/10 03:36 pm Title: Chapter 1
i do like it, i think its sweet :)
constructive criticism, here we go :D
jase has a point, it is a LITTLE cliche, try and think of something insanely different, like something you would never have written before and incorporate it in :D
You do have potential, and i think the story is very sweet :)
Author's Response: thank you. i know its cliche but im not creative lol
Date: 04/23/10 03:18 pm Title: Chapter 1
ok, i really want to give you some criticism here, because this is your first post and i wish someone was as honest with me as i'm going to be with you.
first of all, i think the idea of the story is a bit overdone and cliche. There are about a hundered other stories just like this, and though that's totally ok, next time try to put your own personal spin on it, something to make it unique and original.
second, it seemed a bit rushed and unrealistic. maybe show more of their emotion, explain why they feel what they do, and instead of telling us that Bill is sad or Tom is surprised, describe it. What would they do, how would they react if they felt those emotions, and fallow that up with "he was shocked" or whatever, so the reader can feel and see what the characters do.
you might want to work on character development a little more as well. obviously we all know who Bill and Tom are, but in eveyr story their personalities vary. You have to let us know who YOUR Bill and Tom are. Is Bill weak, strong, cocky, anal, compulsive...you know what i mean?
i'm sorry if this isn't the review you were hopeing for, but i think you have really great potential as a writer, and instead of saying "oh yay, it was so good!" i thought i'd try and give some advice, from one reader/writer to another :D
Author's Response: thank you for the advice. like i said it was my first post and i appreciate the criticism. every review is valued, whether bad or good. i will be sure to try that next time. thank you for reading and taking the time to review! :) and thatnk you for saying that i have potential it means a lot :)
Date: 04/22/10 09:20 pm Title: Chapter 1
awww, this was a cute one-shot (:
*fave*
----Samantha.
Author's Response: awwwwwwwwwwww thank you thats soo nice of you :)