Date: 04/30/23 09:32 pm Title: Chapter 1- All he wanted.
I've mentioned this on other reviews: I came into the TH / THF fandom in Jan’22. The vast majority of fics I've read are quite old and I'm sure the authors have moved on (and probably wont even see new reviews), BUT I figure why not leave one anyway… I enjoyed this fic and wanted to say thank you for writing and sharing it!
Date: 11/09/15 02:15 pm Title: Chapter 10
Such a sweet story. I liked the set up of it. Just missed going a little deeper, though. Anyway, I enjoyed reading it. :)
Date: 04/09/14 10:32 am Title: Chapter 10
OMG you have to write a sequel!!!!
Date: 11/18/12 06:54 am Title: Chapter 10
this was a really good story!!
Date: 11/18/12 06:54 am Title: Chapter 10
this was a really good story!!
Date: 07/27/12 01:08 pm Title: Chapter 10
wow cool story i think it's just AMAZING GOD JOB!!!!! :)
Date: 06/14/12 06:44 am Title: Chapter 10
this was a really good story!
u should do a sequel to this!
Date: 01/08/12 12:31 am Title: Chapter 10
This is a very emotional story. So so sweet! Loved it.
Date: 01/07/12 11:59 pm Title: Chapter 9
Omg! I'm crying again!
Date: 01/07/12 11:14 pm Title: Chapter 4- Breakdown
Awwww!!
Date: 01/07/12 10:45 pm Title: Chapter 1- All he wanted.
U have left me heartbroken & teary eyed. Great chapter.
Date: 01/01/12 03:23 am Title: Chapter 6- "Do you want me to touch you, Tomi?"
This is, quite possibly, the most unrealistic child rape victim story I've ever read. It started out alright, with Bill feeling horrible about himself and not wanting to open up to people, but you had him open up to them the same day that he went there. That would not happen. Also, with rape victims, if they don't get serious therapy for it (which it seems like Bill hasn't, considering he's anorexic and cuts himself, both of which are mental illnesses) they often can't stand to be touched, or only by certain people, and certainly not by people they met only that day. Bill probably would've freaked out completely, had this been realistic. Still, I'm interested in the outcome.
Date: 01/01/12 03:23 am Title: Chapter 10
This was the most unrealistic rape victim stories I've ever read - and I've read all the M rated stories in the Loveless and Black Butler fandoms on FanFiction.net (there are some pretty bad child rape victim stories on there). While I appreciate the attempt at plot, it really just seemed...kinda like Twilight. Like, "ooh, here's the pretty new girl, and there's the guy everyone wants, and there's the other guy who'll do whatever it takes to get the new girl" except that the "pretty new girl" was Bill, and the "other guy" tried to rape him...it just wasn't realistic in any way, shape, or form. I almost took it as crack, but it was also obvious that it wasn't crack. I think I'd try not doing so much in one fic. You could have Bill dealing with being orphaned, and no one wanted him, and finally he finds a family in Simone and Tom. Or you could have Bill being raped, and have him deal with that and his love for Tom, while scared of having a physical relationship with someone. But I think the combination of "Orphaned, raped, and in love with Tom" just killed everything. Oh, and I'm not trying to flame. I'm just trying to tell you, honestly, what I thought of your story.
Date: 01/01/12 02:54 am Title: Chapter 6- "Do you want me to touch you, Tomi?"
This is, quite possibly, the most unrealistic child rape victim story I've ever read. It started out alright, with Bill feeling horrible about himself and not wanting to open up to people, but you had him open up to them the same day that he went there. That would not happen. Also, with rape victims, if they don't get serious therapy for it (which it seems like Bill hasn't, considering he's anorexic and cuts himself, both of which are mental illnesses) they often can't stand to be touched, or only by certain people, and certainly not by people they met only that day. Bill probably would've freaked out completely, had this been realistic. Still, I'm interested in the outcome.
Date: 08/30/10 03:24 pm Title: Chapter 10
Great story, loved it. I hated reading the rape scene with Jorg. I hated Jorg. Loved the interactions between Bill and Tom though. And I noticed that your name is Shelby, my sister's name is Shelby. Anyways, hope to read more of your work in the future.
Date: 07/30/10 05:23 pm Title: Chapter 1- All he wanted.
Hey Shelby, I'm glad you're not mad at me. Eek! lol. I'd love to look over any twincest fics you have in the future! Nothing makes me more giddy than twins!! :) I'm
ema DOT dan AT live DOT com
if you'd like to get in touch with me. Cheers.
Date: 07/21/10 08:38 pm Title: Chapter 10
I've never been so confused in my life i was happily reading when i looked for the next button i couldn't find it *tear tear*
Date: 07/14/10 11:09 pm Title: Chapter 10
Oh boy... I, um, I don't think this was good. Sorry. :(
You held my attention enough to finish reading, and that part was good I guess.. that I did want to know what happened next in the story. The beginning was the strength of this story.. I liked reading about Bill getting adjusted to his first foster home, and think the rape scene had good shock value. I liked that the story flowed and was easy to read. And the writing could have been worse I guess, so not bad.
However, there's room for improvement in a lot of areas of this fic... First, a simple fix: check for typos and correct capitalization. Then, remember how English teachers say "Show, dont Tell"... that's something that would help this story, to make the characters and situations come to life more, so that a reader can see everything happen in more detail. That would be nice.
Now, the actual plot... I think that was the biggest downfall. I found the plot to be very cliche unfortunately, and I think it made light of some serious conditions (Bill's cutting, anorexia, bulimia, rape, as well as the way government and other regulatory institutions behave), and this probably wasn't your intended effect.
In addition, the fast pace of the romantic and emotional relationships developed was very unrealistic. I know you said that's how you felt it was right for your characters, but more detail and sound basis for your fast attraction would have really helped.
Oh man, and Bill getting sick... that was a cliche pity party. And the 2nd rape was way rushed and unnecessary. Sometimes it seemed like you were just writing to make the story longer with new events, rather than moments that help further the story in a meaningful way.
Gosh, I'm really sorry for this review.
I'm not saying that you should stop writing, you're not hopeless or anything. lol. I think that with some revision this story has room for big improvement. I guess my advice would be to take time and really think about the plausability of the stuff you're writing, plan a plot so you know what you're going to achieve in your story, and think over the way you describe things so that a reader can come as close as possible to seeing and understanding what you're trying to relate.
If you'd like a beta in the future (or if you'd like to yell at me for this bad review, cuz I probably deserve it, lol), I'm open to it, ok? :)
Author's Response: Yell at you?rnNever! This is actually the most helpful thing anybody has ever said!rnThankyou! And I am working on another story now, after a long, long break, and I would love it if you would beta for me? :)rnrn<3shelby
Date: 06/23/10 01:29 pm Title: Chapter 1- All he wanted.
your narrative style is kinda ununsual, but not in a bad way. i like the plot so far so im gonna continue reading)