Very cool story idea and I like the characters, but just one thing...
You are making the mistake every novice writer makes. And that is with your dialogue structure.
Set up a scene and the feeling of it first. Tell us what the characters are thinking and feeling then go into the dialogue. Your mistake is that after every line of dialoge you say... "charactere x said...x whimpered...x cried...x smiled...x noticed...x thought...x replied...x asked surprised..."

Those types of dialogue sentence ends are necessary to continue the dialogue flow, but when it's after EVERY sentence of dialogue, it's just distracting and makes it sound "grade school."
You've got a great story here. Just relax and let it flow. If we readers already have a feeling of the scene, then how the characters present the dialogue will just make sense to your readers naturally.

I'm an unpublished writer myself, looking for a literary agent to sell the 2 novels I have already witten. I haven't published anything into the TH fandom yet, but I'm re-working some of my previous short stories (character changes) to include my favorite twins. I'm no expert by any means but I have been writing for fun for the last 15 years, so I do know a little something about writing fiction. I'll be following this one, so have fun and see ya in the reviews! Good luck!