Date: 10/22/11 12:23 am Title: Let The Flames Begin
Loved it!
Date: 10/22/11 12:12 am Title: Prologue: The catalyst
Loved it!
Date: 09/11/10 01:12 am Title: Let The Flames Begin
Hey! I really, really like how this is starting out! It actually has a very realistic vibe to it. I hope you'll continue with it soon!
Date: 01/31/10 01:32 am Title: Prologue: The catalyst
Awesome! And did you get my email, I've been having problems with responding to them?
Author's Response: Yup, I received it. Thanks so much n_n
Date: 01/30/10 11:20 pm Title: Let The Flames Begin
Ok now chapter two: There were two sentences that struck me in here one is "Violet slapped me with a pillow and plopped onto the bed, turning the t.v. on." I'll start with this because it's my con-crit so we can get it out of the way. In this instance 'slapped' really isn't the right word, something like 'smacked' or 'thwacked' would have been better. When you're using onomatopoeia's try to think of the sound the object would actually make when hitting the person, the floor. For instance let's say in a silly!Bill piece where he's eating candy, if he were eating sticky candy I'd say: "The toffee smacked against his palate with every sticky bite." while if I were using a lollipop I'd say: "The slurping noise coming from Bill was grotesque and erotic to say the least." So just spend some time thinking about your describing words, you've already proved your vocab is awesome so I know you can do it! Ok now onto a compliment; this line here: “It is just after five…you didn’t say a.m. or p.m.” I really liked this line and it established Violet as a character in my eyes. Before this she was more of a bumbling side kick but after you wrote that line I started to realize that she's just a fun loving, super excitable, happy-go-lucky person in a totally genuine way. Great job! Keep it up I want to know what happens!
Author's Response: Thanks! I see what you mean about the onomatopoeia. I may leave this chapter as is, but for the upcoming chapters, I will definitely do some revising.
Date: 01/30/10 11:19 pm Title: Prologue: The catalyst
First your summary is really well done and that's something that a lot of first time posters have trouble with because they aren't use to it so kudos on that. Now onto the prologue: you write a bit fast paced but you do manage to get everything in there, try 'flushing it out' a bit in the future. Your vocabulary is quite excellent throughout the piece and I was impressed because as a rule I don't read Het because I find it all feels Mary-Sueish... this doesn't feel that way at all and THAT is amazing. This prologue really does set up the basis of how things will play out and how Talia will be in the 'right place at the right time' later on. As of now I'm guessing the Bill character is bi but I could just be pants on head silly! So in conclusion great job with wording, try flushing it out a bit (something that will come naturally with practice), and honestly great job on creating a likable OFC!
Date: 01/28/10 05:53 pm Title: Let The Flames Begin
more!!!! xD
Author's Response: New chapter coming this week!
Date: 01/24/10 05:34 pm Title: Prologue: The catalyst
LOL... I think that I will track this story, 'cause you have caught my interest, and I wish to see what happens next...
Author's Response: Thanks! I wasn't sure if I would receive any reviews, much less positive ones, so I am glad you enjoy it.
Date: 01/24/10 05:12 pm Title: Prologue: The catalyst
Nope you cant
I wouldnt care if he was gay. I would still love him