Date: 04/04/12 10:24 pm Title: Desperate.
Well, you said "be brutal," so I'm going to tell you exactly what I thought. First, you're partially wrong about Bill being too whiny. He was fine, except that I think he'd be seducing Tom - talking dirty to him - instead of whining. Second, there weren't very many grammatical mistakes in this. However, there were several that need to be attended to. First, don't use "&" when writing a fic. That's more on the computer so you can write company names, and for when you're inputting data and other kinds of non-writing things. When writing, you should always write out "and." The same goes for any other words you might be able to abbreviate or use a symbol instead of (like numbers). Second, if you're going to say something like "he said" after a quote, then you're gonna want to use a comma there, not a period, even if it's the end of a sentence. I would actually research the use of punctuation if I were you. Your punctuation wasn't as bad as some people's I've seen, but it definitely needs work. Oh! Also - you only did this once, but - if someone new is speaking, it's a new paragraph. It doesn't matter whether it's the same subject, you still have to start a new paragraph.
Date: 04/04/10 09:14 am Title: Desperate.
Don't use "&" all the time, it's really getting on nerves. The story is funny, but too short:)
Date: 12/27/09 03:29 pm Title: Desperate.
Giggles, that was great
Date: 12/27/09 07:26 am Title: Desperate.
My first instincts are that it needs more back-story. I wanna know more about the circumstanses that lead to two brothers fucking in a closet.. like, Is this normal for them? who's party is it? Cuz it's not normal for one to whine that he hasn't been laid in so long and his brother give in so easily. I always try to think about how my own brother would react to sexual closeness and coming out about being attracted to him or whatever. ( I don't actually have a brother but u know what I mean). Realism plays a big part for me in twincest- the more realistic, angsty, moral dilema that is, the better! Because twins don't just decide to jump eachother.
The sex also needs more build up, foreplay or otherwise.
My last tip is to never write anything less than 1000 words long. It's rare to encounter a really in-depth and complete-feeling story when the length is so short.. Give the reader more time to get into it.
Keep writing, it only gets better from here. It wasn't bad so don't beat yourself up or anything, but u did ask for criticism. :)
Holler if u need a beta.
Author's Response: Hm. Makes sense. I'll keep that in mind next time I write something, and I'll totally come to you if I need a beta. (: Thank you!
Date: 12/27/09 02:38 am Title: Desperate.
I've never written anything like this, so i don't know how valuble my critique will be, but you want some critisism, so here's what i think:
i think it was a really cute story, unique idea, and the whole "coming out of the closet" thing was funny.
but, it was like...really fast, seemed a bit rushed, and the whole story was like:
Bill: whine
Tom: fine
sex...more whining Bill
sex is over
wait...more sex(ish)
maybe more build up to the actual sex, and then more build up during, more description, ya know? and then i think the ending was ok.
but who am i to say any of this, it's just some friendly advice from a reader. I really did like your story a lot, and look forward to reading more from you! blessed be!
Author's Response: thank you :)
Date: 12/27/09 02:10 am Title: Desperate.
tis NOT shit! haha your progessing! :D
Date: 12/26/09 11:51 pm Title: Desperate.
SHUT UP!
D:<
Ima pimp slap yo ass c:
DUDE, it was just as good as the last time
c:
This is epic, stop thinking otherwise
C:
Author's Response: XD! I think I could totally look better though. c:~
Date: 12/26/09 11:10 pm Title: Desperate.
kinky ;D
Author's Response: danke mackenziee xD~
Date: 12/26/09 10:50 pm Title: Desperate.
It was alright. Like you said Bill was to whiny. This was basically just smut so I'm not too sure what to say (sounds funny coming from me, I know) but maybe in the future develope more of a story? A bit of a back story is always fun, or a moral dilemma or something.
Author's Response: Thank you so much. I'll think about that next time I decide to write something. (: