Date: 12/14/09 09:19 pm Title: Have I told you I hate shopping?
awe you need to update!
Date: 09/29/09 02:19 pm Title: Have I told you I hate shopping?
Aww poor Bill!! And its so cute! More please! Oh you have to update soon!
Kitten.
Date: 08/27/09 06:13 am Title: Who Can't love you Billa
Well, constructive criticism here: First, things happen too quickly. Like for example Bill says ok to dinner, then suddenly Tom is telling him to eat. When did they even get to the kitchen or wherever they're eating?
Second, there is too much conversation and too little description. Part of the magic of reading is that while you read, you can make a mental image of where the characters are and how. With this story you almost have to make it up completely, because you don't tell.
Other than that, your grammar and spelling is mainly good. I'll go read the next chapter anyway :D
Date: 08/27/09 06:05 am Title: The Move In
Oh well, for the first chapter it's nice. Let's see how it goes for the rest of the story.
Date: 08/19/09 11:42 pm Title: Have I told you I hate shopping?
Tom in a towel would be heaven! add more please
Author's Response: lolz YES indeed....lolz...i will soon hopefully=]
Date: 08/19/09 11:23 pm Title: Have I told you I hate shopping?
finally, the main awkwardness is gone. xD But, now Bill same Tom in a towel. LOL, he doesn't now how amazing that is. hahaa. it's coming along, and you kind of left it with a cliffhanger! *cries* but i can't wait for the next chapter which is the last one. no, right? moreee. :))
Author's Response: yes. im pretty sure it is.=] lolz may not be bcuz in the original i didnt add some things i wanted 2. and i may add another chapter.
Date: 08/19/09 09:41 pm Title: Have I told you I hate shopping?
I like your story but you do something that makes me lose you often. When you have a change in action, there is no break of any kind to indicate that action or location has changed.
Usually the writer will write some action or break scene explaining that they went to the store and shopped or left the kitchen and went to the studio... some thing to let us know that the action has moved to another location.
You write, especially in lines of dialogue and it just all runs together.
Example:
“So you want to go to the studio now?”
“Yes, just let me clean the dishes first please.”
“WOW, this is amazing Tom. She truly is an artist.”
OK....so like when did they physically leave the kitchen and go to the studio? See how the dialogue just jumps and goes without warning?
Give us something that helps us in your journey. Describe the house and how one gets from the kitchen to the studio. At the least just even let us know that they are even just left the kitchen and are now on the move to the studio.
* * *
For example, here's how I would have written that scene:
Bill finished the dishes and neatly folded the dishcloth and set it on the counter.
"Ok...let's go..."
Tom led Bill across the kitchen and out the back door. They walked across the large landscaped backyard that their mother, being the artist that she is, designed with loving care.
After a short walk, Bill found himself standing in front of a cute little mini-house that had white clapboards and beautiful stained glass windows.
"Is this your mom's studio?"
"yeah...come on in."
They walked inside and Bill's jaw dropped. The room was an explosion of color. Small and large sculptures stood on pedestals on one side of the room. Easels stood on the opposite side of the room with canvases perched atop them, their images in various states of completion.
Bill walked around the room, looking at the many various sized and shaped painted canvases that were leaning haphazardly against the walls.
"WOW, this is amazing Tom. She truly is an artist."
"Ja, she always has been."
Tom watched Bill as he continued looking at all of the beautiful art pieces. He couldn’t help but to smile at how cute Bill really was. He was so zoned out of it just staring at Bill that he didn’t notice Bill was calling his name......
(And continue the story...)
* * *
See how that now told us how they got from point A to point B. It described what he saw and gave us a feel as to how their house and yard was set up and what Simone's studio could possibly look like. It gave us a feel as to what kind of artist Simone was and what art she created. This was just a simple run through I pulled off the top of my head but the descriptions -- ANY descriptions -- are only limited by your imagination.
You HAVE TO give your readers some point of reference for locations and actions of the characters. You will keep them confused and lose them if you don't.
You have a great story with great potential. Slow down! You're rushing through it and not giving us those important points of reference we need to follow the characters and get into their story.
I'm obviously an author myself and have been writing for years. I'm currently working on a novel that I'm trying to get published. I'm new to TH fiction but not to fiction writing in general. If you need any help with your writing, please feel free to contact me. Good luck!
Author's Response: yes i know its rushed. lolz..thank u so much for taking the time in reviewing for me. i appresiate it a lot and ill take it to heart=]
Date: 08/15/09 06:43 pm Title: The Move In
ohhh gott i love this :) its awsome poor bill i hop he'll be okay why did his moma leave him outta no where ?
Author's Response: mm just wait ull see=] aww thank u ur so very sweet..this is the best review ever=]
Date: 08/15/09 05:38 am Title: Who Can't love you Billa
Aww, poor Bill. Did you have any particular movie in mind that they were watching? I know in the Tina Turner movie when her Mom left it was super sad. :(( Anyway, I wonder if Gordon suggesting that they adopt Bill would pull through? Oh well, won't know until the next chapter. xD
Author's Response: aww thx for the review i appreciate it=]rnmm i saw this movie on lifetime yrs ago that hit home for me that I just never forgot part's of it. So I figured I'd throw it in here. But unfortanately i cant recall the name..
Date: 08/15/09 05:33 am Title: Who Can't love you Billa
ur cassic non-related twincest story)) love it=))
Author's Response: aww thank you.=]
Date: 08/15/09 12:47 am Title: Who Can't love you Billa
wow they hit it off fast
Author's Response: Yes, this story moves very quickly.
Date: 08/14/09 11:22 pm Title: Who Can't love you Billa
awww poor Bill! he can stay with me! haha. can't wait for the next add
Author's Response: aww thank you...i should be updating 2morrow...=] ur sweet. i luvz the reviews=]
Date: 08/14/09 01:55 am Title: The Move In
More more :)
Author's Response: ooh thank u i luvz thiz review=]
Date: 08/13/09 11:22 pm Title: The Move In
yes, i like it :D Please continue soon :)
Author's Response: aww thank u.. i will update possibly 2morrow=]
Date: 08/13/09 11:01 pm Title: The Move In
I wanted to give this story the benefit of the doubt when I was reading the first section when Simone told Tom that Bill was going to live with them. I must admit that this was a bit out of the blue and the conversation was dull and quick. I think you maybe should’ve used two or three chapters to really show how much he was against it. But with the way you started it, Simone already made up her mind to allow Bill into her house so him arguing with her wouldn't have been any good. Bringing out his angst would have worked better. Maybe a chapter or two of him giving everyone a cold vibe and being distant. As for Bill, I think it was kind of rushed for him too. You'd think these boys were 9 with the way he was so attached to his mom, and Tom with how defeated he allowed himself to be about Bill living with them. Although, I think even a 9 year old would have stuck up for themselves if their room was being shared with a stranger, or even someone familiar. I feel it didn't fit well. Especially if he's 18. All that crying and childlike behavior as he sat in the driveway. Also, you should have showed more of the history as well. What makes his mother so unfit? If he’s 18, what took everyone so long to figure out, including Bill, his mother wasn’t so great? A good chapter about a day in Bill's shoes would have the readers informed why his mother wasn't up to standards. But as I mentioned above, I'm giving this story a try. I'll stick around for you next chapter and see what happens. And as your first review, I feel kind of bad because this isn’t the best review I’ve given, but I wouldn’t feel right if I weren’t honest. Maybe you could consider some of the stuff I said if you agree with any of it. I’d be happy help you if you want, too. I’ll be waiting on the next chapter from you, though. :)
Author's Response: umm...I didnt want tom to seem like a brat cuz he really isn't. hes a sweet boy but just isnt used to having his personal space invaded. and for bill acting like a child was expected bcuz his mother pretty much told him that she doesnt want him and that hes going to stay with a family he doesnt know. thx for the advice. but the way i have the story its prob going to stay cuz i already wrote all of it.