Date: 06/16/11 07:35 pm Title: Chapter 1
It's a nice story! I really enjoyed it, Great job!
Date: 08/21/09 09:54 am Title: Chapter 1
Very very funny. I definately enjoyed that!
Date: 08/19/09 11:18 am Title: Chapter 1
...Yes you are, you’ll always be my baby bro... - aye, tome being the protective brother he is =)
...He’s like the yen to my yang ever heard of opposites attract?... - i think its the YIN, but yeah, opposites DO attract ^__^
...There are millions of teenage girls out there who want to have your babies... - duh *rolls eyes* but poor jack, its gotta be though
...Just you... - evil witch!
...Spread a little too far a little too much a little too often... - *rolls around laughing* typical tomi
...You might not be afraid of one but how about a few hundred?... - heeee, jack wore the scented 'bee-attracting' oil
...I’m allergenic to bee stings... - not so nice when the prank is on you =P
...So the whole world is going to see me looking like an idiot?... - nah, you're a sweet, caring guy bill ^__^
*great idea bout our well-loved nursery rhyme...
Date: 08/16/09 10:40 am Title: Chapter 1
The twist at the end was a nice touch and I liked the idea of Bill being annoyed by an overprotective sister. I would strongly suggest that you get a beta reader beforehand because the fic could have been made a lot more readable and more enjoyable if there were fewer spelling mistakes etc.
On top of that I thought that the amount of speech was a little excessive and maybe in future you could try conveying feeling or thought through body language. Making a reader think a little about what you’re trying to say isn’t a bad thing.
Overall it was a good idea and very funny – just tweaking a few things here and there would make a vast improvement.
Date: 08/14/09 03:08 am Title: Chapter 1
I wasn't expecting the twist at the end here - nicely done! I think I was surprised that Bill wasn't more concerned about being misled though. You also want to grab a beta reader in future - you had a few mistakes here and there that they could help you with. Over all though, interesting idea with an effective use of the end line. It kind of reminded me of monster-in-law lol.
Date: 08/13/09 11:21 pm Title: Chapter 1
at least they didn't jump...