Okay, Imma stop reading at chapter 21, and this is why:

The thing is, the characters, the plot, the idea are all good but your writing is flat and needs some serious proofing. I'm afraid That I may go on for a while.

First of all, you are lacking in emotion. You seem to have the minimum amount, and what emotion you do have is just stated. Emotion should be shown, not told. Don't just say he was happy or she was really angry or they were so sad. What about happiness bubbling in your chest? Fists clenching? Worlds falling apart? You must describe!!

For description, you have habit of just going [adverb} [verb] and very little else. I'm talking about 'romantically kissed' and 'forcefully pushed'. They do nothing for me. The entire structure does nothing for me.

Description is so much more than that.

You must describe people, places, things, actions and emotions. You absolutely must. This does not mean over describe and pile on the adjectives, and describe every single thing you can find, but anything significant should be described.

When you describe you should use a varied vocabulary, metaphors, similes, specific language and the five senses. Those five senses are your friends!!!!

Specific language and a varied vocabulary are incredibly important. For different emotions you need a different register. For anger use hard, plosive sounds and then for soft, fluffy moments, use lulling, smooth wordsm to make something sinister, use sibilance and really stress the 's' sounds. Alliteration is wonderful as any alliterative phrases will really stand out. It needs to feel natural and fit together, rather than forced or just mixed together.

The last point I'd like to make to you, is you desperately need to get a beta and also to read your updates aloud. Mush of your writing awjward and the phrases don't really fit or make sense. I'm not sure if you're a native English speaker or not (if you are, you have a wonderful grasp of grammar) but it ames for very difficult reading. When you read something aloud, you see what is difficult, what makes sense, what doesn't, when you may need to alter you puncutation and where your tenses are out (and they're out a lot). You really need to read aloud for that final point. Tenses are really imporant, and if they're even only slightly out, it makes a big difference.

What I will say, is that there is something in your writing that really draws the reader in. Normally if I find the amount of faults in a peice of writing that I have here (and I find them all the time) then I stop and leave, often half-way through the first chapter, yet I made it to chapter 21. That is a wonderful aspect to have, and a great credit to you, I hope you never lose it.

I hope you carry on writing, and you aren't top offended or upset by me.

Good luck!

This story was good,You should write a sequel about Lany and Tom :)

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww yay! she and Tom are together! this was one of my favorite stories on this site. will there be a sequel?

Author's Response: Not sure yet :) I've got so many sequels to write :) HOPEFULLY :) I give u cookies for giving me the Bill idea :) *give u plate of cookies*

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

ahw:( Go Tomi:D:D:D:D more please

wow i just hope she dosnt hurt bill

oooooooo

great chapter

aww tom!

stupid chanugly