i love it!!whahah

I like it! It's hot and the last part is just making me jump XD

WHOA! i did not think that was coming. you should make more. this is really good. your an awesome writer!

Because you wanted to know if it sucked…

"Are you ready?" she asked in a sweet mysterious voice. – I don’t like the “mysterious” part of the description.

Lany looked at her man that she had gotten that night. – oy this sentence is painful. Her man? Gotten that night?

She flipped a switch that lit candles all around the room. – how is there a switch that would light candles?

He saw her in her blood red and black corset. She had on red panties and high boots that came up to her mid thigh. She also had on a blood red cape. – goofy outfit specifically the cape! And the details of her outfit aren’t exactly necessary,

She crawled on top of Tom and licked her lips. – this is where details would be nice.

Her maroon lips went to his – this is good detail placement.

Her dark chocolate brown hair fell in her face and Tom's heart pounded faster. – good detail.

A mere 16 and a half, he himself was 19 almost 20. – why would Tom go for a girl who looked 16?

This beautiful girl kissed his cheek which sent tingles throughout his body. She pulled his shirt over his head and kissed down his chest. – need more details here you only have action.

"I'll rock your world tonight Tom...." she said licking her lips. "And you will rock mine." – groans *shakes head* no we don’t say this unless we rewind a few years and head back to the 90’s ok?

She kissed him again and undid her corset. – we would need more details here you can’t just “undo” a corset you have to unhook it in front or unlace it in back or whatever.

She took it off and was left in a blood red bra with black lace. – see this is a perfect place for a garment detail!

She sat up and un-did it. She bent down and kissed him again. – see only action here. You would want: she unhooked her bra and let it slip from her fingers. The bra fell unseen past the end of the hotel bed. Her hair swong in his face as she bend down to lick his lips. Her tongue darted between her lips and tasted the sheen of sweat from under his lips. …see details of action

She licked her blood red lips again. – are they maroon or blood red? BTW blood red is super duper slutty so no not blood red.

ok now I’ll read for a while.

"Oh gosh baby your skin is so soft." – gosh? No we say gosh when we are small when we are an internationally famous rock star we get to say big words like fuck, shit, hell etc.

"Oh shit you feel so good inside me Tom..." she moaned again. – not bad dialogue here.

The sound of their skin slapping together filled the room. – but how did it slap together. The wet slap of their skin echoed so that it was the only sound to be heard other then their moans.

She would "go" after they both came. – go where? I know what you mean but this isn’t a great way to explain it.

"Faster...oh yes baby...faster...faster" she moaned. "Oh crap I'm gonna cum yes yes oh I'm cumming Tom." – I know sex dialogue tends to be cheese but this is a little much. I would break up the cheese sex dialogue with action. Oh yes he moved his hips faster; oh yeah baby, right there faster, oh god harder, he changed his angle and thrust into her body etc…

"Me too!" – I promise that I’ve never said and never heard anyone say “me too” in the middle of hot sex.

Tom and Lany put their clothes back on and then she turned to him. – why? Why wouldn’t they bask in the after glow of sex? Plus blood is really hard to get out of clothing so she wouldn’t have him get dressed because she wouldn’t want the evidence and she wouldn’t want to ruin her own clothing.

"Never knew a vampire could fuck so good huh? Well you met your match here." – what? Do vampires exist in the open in your world? Would it be a question that she couldn’t fuck well?

"You're mine now Tom." She said. "Now that you're part vampire." She kissed his cheek with her blood covered lips and left a bloody kiss on his cheek. – ok so this was smut with like three vampire lines? And this doesn’t really make much sense because you haven’t explained anything. Why would a single feeding make him part vampire? How can you be part vampire rather then 100% vampire? What does this mean for the future? This leave it too much up in the air too many questions with no direction.

that was AMAZING i'm speechless! you should make it longer