Date: 06/03/09 10:36 pm Title: Chapter 1
She was a little bit "Mary Jane", only because you didn't really go in depth with her character. She seemed like almost an empty shell that looked Spanish and had a name.
However, it is nice to think about girls not only being interested in the boys because they're famous, so that was cool.
Date: 06/03/09 07:12 pm Title: Chapter 1
The story was cute but unrealistic in some parts. For example I don't think Simone would let a girl to enter the house just like that. Also it would be best if you let the reader know about your characters' feelings by their reactions and not by their words. It adds more to the whole atmosphere that way.
But you did well considering this is probably your first het.
Good luck in the challenge!
Date: 06/03/09 02:28 am Title: Chapter 1
nice!!, although I would kick their little butts if they were so drunk that their bodyguards had to cary them home..
Date: 06/01/09 06:29 pm Title: Chapter 1
You had a cute plotline here and Lucia didn't seem like a Mary-Sue at all, but I think exploring Bill's feelings by showing his reactions rather telling the reader/having him proclaim things bluntly might have helped pull it all together even more. Regardless, given the nature of the challenge and assuming this is your first het, I think you did very well with coming up with a female character who wasn't a Mary-Sue!
Date: 06/01/09 12:20 pm Title: Chapter 1
...I mean, you are more than welcome, but why are you here?... - man, i wish i could just walk into their house like that ^__^
Date: 05/30/09 01:10 am Title: Chapter 1
hehe, loved it ::))