...It’s because my mom died tonight... - owh, thats sad. she is just a lil' girl.

*the way u write the dialogs are interesting, they look like some sort of plot outlines. but its a bit confusing sometimes, dear

...If he had not been using baby products, Jill would be going around smelling like a man... - huhuhu, very lucky of her then ^__^

...he had the best twin in the world... - yes you have, bill...cute!

...Bill, she’s not going to wake up if you carry her to your room and put her in the bed, and if she does, she’ll fall asleep again fast... - silly twins. glad my siblings are all grown up now, i dont have to babysit =P

...Bill was a nineteen year old boy, which in it self was a handicap... - true. good thing tom is being rational here

*overall i think that was absoulutely sweet, you can really count on bill for fluff! but yes, i think your fic lacks more details and deeper emotions. you shouldn't be shy to try a beta, im sure everyone here are nice people ^__^ i would do it for u, though i don't think my english is that good, it's my second language too ^__^

This was a really adorable idea, and if English isn't your first language then this is a really great attempt without a proper beta reader - I certainly couldn't manage this in a different language. That said, I think you do need to overcome your fear so someone can help you tidy up any slight errors and make it easier for the reader. Marking out the speech in the text with quotation marks would also help - but seriously, this was really adorable and a lovely idea.

That's sweet, and nice to think that someone would act kindly like that without really getting anything in return.