Date: 06/16/09 07:04 am Title: Chapter 1
It looks so much better now!
Date: 06/16/09 02:56 am Title: Chapter 1
I liked it. And not to sound like everyone else, I would understand it better if you italicized the lyrics. This was beautiful: " “Black and Gold forever…” were Tom’s last words before his form disappeared and replaced by hundreds maybe thousands of doves that flew off in different directions. But not just any doves, they were all black and gold." *smile*
Date: 06/05/09 09:54 pm Title: Chapter 1
Wow. You have an amazing concept here, but it needs a little work. This is like a rare gem hidden beneath layers and layers of muck. I can see a lot of potential in this one, and I like what I see.
Your imagery and all the things happening around Tom were beautiful, even if he was in too much pain to see it. And the ending. Just...wow. I don't know why Tom turned into doves, but I liked it. Wonderful job there.
Last thing. Tom in his white sweatpants gets me every time. Even if the rest of a story is lame, I will love whoever for including that detail.
Good job and good luck! :D
Date: 06/05/09 06:45 pm Title: Chapter 1
I think this had the potential to be really pretty, but ended up a little confusing due to the presentation you gave it; next time try and itallicise the lyrics and reference the song and the artist in your author's note, maybe providing a link. Having gone and looked up the song myself, I thought this was a really nice attempt, but I think the signposting would help your readers!
Date: 06/05/09 01:21 pm Title: Chapter 1
...Black and Gold forever... - man, that was heart-breaking, to lose not one, but both twins T__T
*it really is not bad, who ever said otherwise? but i think it would be better if you differenciate the song lyrics, like writing it in italic or bold ^__^
Author's Response: Yeah I know, I intended to do that, but it didn't come out the way I wanted it to, so I redid it the way it was SUPPOSED to look and the way I originally did it. Thanks though for reviewing.
Date: 06/01/09 07:17 pm Title: Chapter 1
although there were a few things i would've written in a different way, i liked it. the idea of black and gold is very original and fitting. i can see how much effort you put into this songfic and i can tell you managed to write it beautifully.
good luck for the competition!
Author's Response: Thank you, and also I redid it, because when they posted it, it didn't comeout the way I intended it to. lol, thanx again
Date: 05/31/09 09:48 am Title: Chapter 1
This is apparently a song-fic. I like the idea of Tom being Gold and Bill being Black and I like the idea behind your story.
But there are some things I didn't like. For example you wrote "Tom" countless times. Also your punctuation was somewhat confusing. And finally the song lyrics were a bit confusing cause they weren't in italics or something to separate them from the rest of the story.
But I think the story has potential.
Good luck with the challenge!
Author's Response: Yeah, when I sent it, it didn't come out right, i did intend to bold it though. I redid it and it sounds a whole lot better.
Date: 05/30/09 10:06 pm Title: Chapter 1
awwww so sad!!! but rly beautiful
Author's Response: Thank you!
Date: 05/29/09 05:05 pm Title: Chapter 1
Oh my. That was really something. Sad, but weirdly happy at the same time. The end really surprised me and reminded me of those cute myths that explain why things happen. Like, why there are stars in the sky? Or why is there night time? You know what I mean? This one could be...why...well, I haven't thought about what this one could be, but still. It was wonderful. Good job and good luck! :D
Author's Response: Aww thank you very much. I changed the text so I hope you reread it ^^
Author's Response: Aww thank you very much. I changed the text so I hope you reread it ^^
Date: 05/28/09 03:42 pm Title: Chapter 1
Oh i just love tom and bill together. this was cute. would it not be wicked if they were actually together like that? its too bad they are brothers, ha ha. very good job.
Author's Response: ahahaha yeah too bad. Oh well thank you for reviewing and I hope yo reread it due to change in text
Date: 05/28/09 12:39 pm Title: Chapter 1
its really sweet...I loved the Tom just ignores everything, i think that's pretty awesome :)
Author's Response: Thank you, I also fixed the text because when i posted it, it didn't come out right
Date: 05/28/09 06:18 am Title: Chapter 1
wow, I wasn't expecting this when I clicked on the title, but this was great. I like the evolution thing in the begging, and I like how Tom ignored it. Black and Gold.:).
Author's Response: Thank you, I also fixed it by redoing the html
Date: 05/27/09 05:54 pm Title: Chapter 1
awe. that was sad.
nice rhythm, though. the pace of the writing made it beautiful beyond compare.
Author's Response: Awww thank you bunches. I fixed it though to make it a lot easier to read.
Date: 05/27/09 12:19 pm Title: Chapter 1
This almost sounded like poetry. Beautiful, really, once you think about it.
Author's Response: Thank you a lot, it may have sounded a little off because i forgot to bold the lyrics to the song and I also forgot to mention the song XD. Thanks again hun