Date: 07/10/09 08:30 am Title: Chapter 7
To be frank, although I loved the setting of Egypt and the atmosphere of it all, I'm glad that you skipped ahead a bit to the departure. Not that I was getting bored, just that you know what details are important to include what details aren't that necessary. Plus, by backtracking and explaining how Mirage [ace name by the way] was allowed on the plane without actually dragging the readers through it ensures that we know what happened but didn't actually have to go through the hours of paperwork alongside Tom. I'm not quite sure if I'm making sense at this point, so I'll move on. P:
Also---and I'm assuming so because of the flight length---you meant Washington state, right? Just clarifying.
When you said in the notes that you wanted to just get on with the story instead of setting things up, I wondered if that meant that this chapter was going to be one of those boring filling chapters where the plot doesn't budge. Well, not that all fillers are boring, but you know what I mean. However, I was surprised [very pleasantly] and I commend you for that. The dreams that Tom had were very intense and had me on the edge of my seat, and you're building up the suspense well before Bill and Tom finally meet. Although, I'm not sure how much more of this I can take; every chapter makes me more eager to meet Bill. ;)
A wet heat laved at the skin above his pulse point before the voice returned, dark and possessive. "I have chosen you."
I don't even know what to say about that line other than it was intense and bone-chilling. You wrote the dreams very well, with a clearly tense, heavy, anxious atmosphere. The second dream was almost creepy, and gave me another hint that Bill + voice in dream + cat could all be the same person... I guess I'll see.
Author's Response: I actually meant Washington DC. I apologize if the flight times were a bit too long. I wasn't sure how long it would actually take to get from Egypt to DC. There's a reason for being in DC and I suppose the biggest one is that I've been there before so I at least know a little bit about the city... more than Washington state.rnrnMy intention at the beginning of writing this chapter was to just make it filler but things sort of fell into place. I think my muse, anxious to see Bill too, is finding ways to speed things along for us without actually speeding things along for Tom, if that makes any sense. I'm so excited to get the next chapter out I've got butterflies in my stomach! I really appreciate another wonderful review!
Date: 07/09/09 08:10 pm Title: Chapter 7
OOOOOOHHHHHH! I wonder when Bill is going to show himself?!?!?!
Author's Response: Soon!... hopefully. Someone should tell my muse to stop playing around! Thanks for the review.
Date: 07/09/09 01:28 am Title: Chapter 7
wow thsts creepy and wierd at the same time... keep writing you have me quetining myself bout wat is happening
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you like it and I really appreciate the review! I'll try to get the next chapter out soon!
Date: 07/08/09 08:54 pm Title: Chapter 7
I loved this chapter! It really upped the mystery...those dreams were especially awesome. I really can't wait for the next chapter!
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the dreams. I was having a little bit of trouble with them. Thanks for reviewing!
Date: 07/08/09 05:47 pm Title: Chapter 7
I just read this story from the very beginning, and let me just tell you: I absolutely love it! It's wonderful! And it's so mysterious... I'm dying to know what's going on!
So many times, stories are predictable. However, every time I THINK I can take a guess at what will happen next, something else will get thrown into the story and throw me off! XD It's great! That's a trait of a great writer. :)
Also... I just want to point out my favorite line.
"Cougars need lovin' too, Tom."
XD Andreas is officially my favorite now. ^^ Can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really like hearing that people are enjoying my story. It also makes me breath a little sigh of relief that you aren't able to guess what happens next. I'd hate to be predictable. While I'm not sure he's my favorite, Andreas holds a special place in my heart, that's for sure. He just way too much fun to write! Thanks for the review!!
Date: 07/08/09 03:04 pm Title: Chapter 7
wheres bill? update sooon plz thx=]
Author's Response: Bill's... close and coming soon, hopefully! Thanks for reviewing!
Date: 07/05/09 05:18 pm Title: Chapter 6
plz update sooon thx=]=]
Author's Response: I've hit a little bit of a writer's block at the moment but I'm trying! Thanks for reviewing!!
Date: 07/05/09 06:42 am Title: Chapter 6
I'm still incredibly intrigued by the cat. Still hoping it's Bill, trying not to keep my hopes up, but I think it would probably serve the story more if the cat was really nothing more than a cat/omen, because everyone is expecting it to be Bill. Or maybe that's just what you want us to think and the cat really IS Bill....
Okay, I'm just going around in circles now, so I'll stop. :)
I appreciate that you're taking time to put down all the details. Again, a lot of authors would condense each third of the chapter into a sentence and call it good, but you take the time to go through all the details and flesh out every part and make this a complete story. I mean, chapter six, no Bill, and people are still reading; you must be doing something right. ;)
I like the part you put in about the constellations and the links to Egyptian myth, and how Tom seems to be having an inner battle trying to decide whether or not any of it is real, and then doing what I would probably do; make up a load of shit excuses and decide that it's nothing to worry about. So, of course, it will come back to haunt him and he'll be in immediate denial.
The part where the cat was just staring at him has got me intrigued all over again; I wish it could talk [and this is where I start to think that it is Bill again...] because it seems to have some type of agenda and I feel like it wants Tom to take it home with him. And then the mischief will follow Tom home, since obviously Tom can't stay in Egypt forever.
I can't wait to see where you go with this. It's kind of becoming my catchphrase, but I love it when I don't know what to expect in a story, so thank you for keeping me in the dark. :)
Author's Response: It's funny that you should mention that these past chapters could serve as third parts of one chapter because when I outlined the events, chapters four, five, and six were originally all one chapter. My writing kind of got away from me when I started and I just couldn't let it turn into a "Tom pet the cat and eventually decided export it' paragraph. I really, really, really want to bring Bill in and make people happy but it's important that you learn some things first or Bill's arrival won't be nearly as significant. rnrnI will tell you this however: My outline ended with a very specific scene that I'm not going to type out loud and I'm nearing the end of my outline. Ta da! Hopefully things get more interesting soon and thank you for reviewing!!
Date: 07/04/09 03:56 pm Title: Chapter 6
I loved how you described the scene with the cat sitting and staring at Tom. It was so detailed that I could clearly picture everything in my mind. And the visual itself...talk about mysterious! And I'm glad Tom is gonna take the cat with him...he'll thank himself for it later, I'm sure!
Author's Response: One of the reasons I decided to write this scene at all was my ability to see so clearly in my head. And poor Tom, he's facing quite a bit of mental distress so whether or not he regrets his decision in time is up in the air. :)
Date: 07/03/09 08:39 pm Title: Chapter 5
First off; I really enjoy this story, and I wish that more people would read it. However, I find that one's first story on here is never as successful as one probably deserves, so hopefully your stories in the future will have better luck. *hugs* [I hope that didn't sound condescending? I didn't mean it to be so, but I feel that members on here are very picky about new authors, it's just a sad fact.]
Also, don't worry too much about incongruences with Egypt; I assure you that probably none of your readers are from Egypt, so as long as you know what you're talking about, it's okay to not get the small details all right. This is just fanfiction; we're not asking for much. :) It's frustrating, I know, but all authors have been there, so it's nothing to worry about. :) I hope you get to go to Egypt one day, though~!
Anyway, moving on to the actual chapter...
I liked the way that you portrayed Simone; very mother-like. Well, of course, but I find that many authors keep interactions with parents very minimal, so thank you. :) Also, since I've decided to start reading more into this since what you responded to my review for the last chapter, I want to point out two parts I found significant;
I can't exactly bring it back with me, can I?
Tom wasn't in the mood to buy into all that superstitious bullshit.
I could just be nitpicking, but I feel like the first line was foreshadowing perhaps, or maybe just irony, in the event that the cat/Bill does end up following him home. As for the second, again perhaps this is just irony and you didn't mean anything by it, but Tom is quite deeply involved with Egyptian myth and superstition by now, and yet seems to be in slight denial by not wanting to listen to his mother ranting about anything of the like.
And then the way that Tom begins to pet the cat without realizing makes me think that his subconscious has already accepted it, while his mind is still in denial.
I really hope that Bill is the cat; I love cat!Bill. Just a random aside. :)
I feel like, on the one hand, there's a lot of symbolism in here that I could analyze [thank the college-level English class I took last year] but on the other hand, I don't want to pointlessly analyze things that might not have any meaning. Being also an artist, I've learned that in a professional piece of art, the viewer should understand that every element symbolizes something---every color and texture and object---and while I believe it applies to writing, I don't think that every object must symbolize something. I guess what I'm saying is, I'll keep my analyses down to a bare minimum for a while until I have feedback from you. :) I want to know if I'm overthinking yet or not thinking enough.
The Arabic is a nice touch, by the way, taking a break from analyses... and I like the description of the bazaar. Like I said before, you're doing very well creating an Egyptian atmosphere, so as long as it's believable the details aren't necessary.
The destruction caused by the cat as it ran away plus the old woman's fortune makes me think that it has some relation to this 'Lady of Destruction'; also, the mention of her child just screams 'Bill!' to me. Still wish Bill was the cat though. Maybe he still is? *prays* Also, I'm suspicious of the dark-haired boy who talked to Tom... but I'll reserve my thoughts on him for whenever/if he ever makes another appearance.
Hmm...
Well, there are my thoughts. Disorganized and probably completely off the mark, but there you are anyway :)
Author's Response: Whew, I was so nervous when I logged on and saw a really long review with excerpts from my story. I thought for sure you'd found something wrong with it. But there you go, I've got some pretty big insecurities about my story. Now that I'm finished, however, I've got the biggest grin on my face thanks to you!
rnrnI'm an architecture student and one of the first things they teach you about design is that everything has meaning and so that's what I try to bring to my writing. Some of it is subconcious and I do it without realizing it but there isn't a whole lot that I don't include with reason. I absolutely enjoy reading your analysis of things in my story and I don't mind if you continue with it at all.
rnrnAlso, thank you for your encouragement. You make me happy ^.^ Hahaha, I've got plans and now I'm all anxious to reveal them again! Thank you!
Date: 07/03/09 08:24 pm Title: Chapter 5
Yay! The cat is back! I loved the superstition you worked into the story...plus the old lady's prophecy type warning was very mysterious. Loving this!
Author's Response: Yep! The cat is back and there is more superstition on the way. Perhaps some that is not so superstitious... Thanks for the review!
Date: 07/03/09 09:52 am Title: Chapter 4
I like how you explored Tom's feelings behind the desert incident. Something like that would be so traumatic, I could imagine the emotions he has to face now that he's back. Can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Poor Tom, things just get worse from here. :( But don't worry, Bill and I will take good care of him ;)
Date: 07/03/09 07:08 am Title: Chapter 4
Yay! you updated!
Author's Response: Yep ^.^
Date: 07/03/09 06:01 am Title: Chapter 4
So, Tom is going to talk to the police about the incident, and now he's alone. I feel like this chapter set a lot of things up and now I just have to wait for them to play out. I appreciate that you actually described the touring experience and didn't just stick in somewhere 'Jost wanted Tom to tell the police about his kidnapping, and then they went shopping in Luxor and Tom called his mom.'
I mean, you could probably sum this chapter up in a couple of sentences, but you took the time to write it all out and it's building up suspense because I can tell you, everyone is waiting for Bill. :) So it will be all the sweeter when we do meet him. Good chapter; I commend you for not just skipping over parts like this like many authors do. Can't wait to see what comes next :)!
Author's Response: Even the small incidents have meaning. I believe it's better to define a character through the situations you place them in. It's hard though, I want to bring Bill in as much you want me to! Well, I have most of what's coming for the next chapter written so I'll try to update soon!
Date: 07/01/09 08:51 pm Title: Chapter 3
I know this is the third review in a row, but I really love this story! This was a great introduction to the other characters as well as a great set-up for more to come. I'm so excited for the next chapter!
Author's Response: I'm glad my story has inspired 3 reviews in one afternoon: I have a rough draft for the next chapter written so hopefully I can get the edited version out soon.
Date: 07/01/09 08:44 pm Title: Chapter 2
So that explains it! I must admit, I had no idea how Tom could have gotten into the desert without shoes...but you're explanation is not only exotic and creative, but is oddly realistic.
Author's Response: Yeah, there's more to the story of how Tom ended up in the desert but I'm just trying to figure out how to work it into the story. If I can't get it in then I'll be sure to explain the rest as well.
Date: 07/01/09 08:37 pm Title: Chapter 3
Ah, I'm glad to see this updated. :) I was worried that you might have given up on it.
I'm curious to see when/how the cat will come back, and I wonder if he will return as Bill, since you said that you were eager to get to the fun part---if I was writing this, I would consider the 'fun part' when Bill and Tom meet, so now you've got me apprehensive for it. I hope you update soon!
Author's Response: Part of me kind of wanted to drop this one but I found I just couldn't. I would like to respond to second half of your review, but I am unable to think of anything that won't give too much away. So I will simply say, thank you for the review ;)
Date: 07/01/09 08:35 pm Title: Chapter 1
I love this chapter! I've never read a story with this premise before and I must say I admire the creativity in this. I especially loved how you wrote this chapter from the cat's perspective. Awesome chapter!
Author's Response: Thank you so much, FairyCelt, I certainly appreciate the review. :)
Date: 05/14/09 02:13 am Title: Chapter 2
Wow... This story is great! I hope you update soon! I really can't wait to know what happens next! even though you don't have a beta this story is already amazing! UPDATE SOON PLEASE!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! It makes my day to know you enjoy my story. I have the next part written, I just need to type it into the computer, hopefully it'll be up soon :)
Date: 05/14/09 02:12 am Title: Chapter 1
I love this type of stories!