Date: 09/03/09 10:08 pm Title: Chapter 19
ok this story needs more asap seriously epic do you guys have live journal better yet do you take requests because i have a few ideas i'd like to run past you if you don't mind cross overs and other oddities. my mind is full of wonderful little twisted thoughts i'm sure you'd adore jonny_boy.xbox-king@hotmail.com ... if your interested in chatting over msn that is ... hope to hear from you VERY soon
ciao
jonny
Date: 08/19/09 10:09 am Title: Chapter 6
Glancing to the clock on the bedside table, he pouted, reading that it was 7:53 AM. They'd have to get up in three minutes and start preparing for the concert later that night. – they don’t ever have to wake up that early they get to sleep in until like 12 and then do an interview but that’s about it.
"I'll leave the door unlocked… just incase you care to join me." Bill skipped into the bathroom leaving a wide-eyes Tom sitting on the floor, staring after
him. - lol
'Why does Billa have to be so perfect?' Tom nearly groaned. Bill wiggled his backside and Tom pressed a hand to his boxers, trying to hold his growing erection down. 'He's got to know he's teasing me.' Bill looked over his shoulder and grinned wickedly. – lol this is fun but *sigh* it should have had a better lead in. Ok well it’s here now so I’ll accept it.
Tom let out a groan at the sight of Bill's erect penis. – nice!
Needing air, Tom pulled his mouth from Bill's and grinned predatorily before sinking down to his knees. – lol Tom giving Bill a blow job awesome!
Slowly, eyes never leaving each other's, Tom took Bill deeper and deeper down his throat, trying not to gag at the sheer bulk his brother possessed. – beautiful line!
Bill's balls were tightening as Tom brought him to the very edge and Tom seemed to sense this. He nodded, and buried his face against Bill's hip as the younger twin exploded into a million pieces with a cry. – very nice!
Sliding Bill into the steaming water, Tom slid his boxers off and crawled in after him. - You have something about them being in the shower earlier and I’m darn sure it was an error that it was up there, an entire paragraph that is in the wrong spot.
"I want you inside me, pounding me." – kind of contrary to “making love to someone.
"I want to ride your fat cock- have you fuck me nice and hard," – ok this was a little over the top.
"I want your cum all up in me, marking me as yours. Please, Tomi. Fuck me." - all up in me *sigh* is just awkward, and I’m not sure how come would mark him?!
"Be dressed and down in the lobby with Tom in fifteen minutes, or I shall hang you by your toes from the top of this hotel."- why did he answer it? and shall? Who says shall?
"Vampires have heightened sex appeal and it also gets really irksome when you want to jack off ASAP." – but he didn’t wear underwear anyways cause of the lines? It’s important to get the details right each time.
Suddenly Bill was in the bathroom, eyeliner in hand. – weren’t they in the bathroom?
I didn't know you loved me as a possible lover you could take. – whoa possible lover you could take, word order really messed up here.
"Tonight I'm going to fuck you so hard you're going to need a wheel chair. – went to hokey with the wheel chair comment.
A blonde teen about eighteen was waiting there – I’m not sure what her purpose is?
"It's better to not speak and have people think you're dumb then to open your mouth and prove it. – very nice! Smart girl!
"Can I be nosy?" Bill asked. "Tickets for what?" – duh! And why would Bill ask?
The fan girls in your fic are just as annoying as the ones in real life.
How can you be out in daylight if you're a vampire? …'I think Matthias said I can walk in sunlight because I haven't drunk from a living human or something like that. Because I drink cold and older blood, it takes out the properties of not being able to withstand sunlight.' – a little late to be asking this and answering this, this answers is just TOO convenient *sigh* and why wouldn’t other vampires do this too? To have all that power and to not have restrictions.
Date: 08/18/09 10:45 pm Title: Chapter 5
He hated it when Bill and he fought and he knew that that last line of departing words had really hurt Bill and he was probably crying. – well he’s smarter then the average boy.
"Wow! Someone is getting it pretty fucking good for them to be making that much noise." Tom smirked. However, as he got to the door of his room, he realized that those sounds were coming from inside, and the screaming was coming from his brother. - lol
It hit Tom all at once.
Bill was in there being fucked by some dude right now. – Why would he think it was a guy? Does he know Bill is gay?
punch the dude off Bill. – the dude? *sigh* dialogue ouch there!
Basking in the after glow of a great fuck, Bill couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. He suddenly realized he could feel Tom's emotions and hear his thoughts. – wait he suddenly realized this? *sigh* you need a little more transition in this to make it plasuable.
‘Why am I feeling like this? Why am I jealous of Bill? OHMYGOD! I'm not jealous of Bill…. Whom am I kidding? I am jealous of him… because he's touching Bill… my Billa in a way I never can. I always loved my brother more then I should. Truth be told: the girls took my mind off him for a little bit… but they never left me completely satisfied. No. This is wrong.' Even as he thought this, Tom knew it wasn't wrong. 'I love my brother- no. I'm IN-LOVE with my brother.' – ok close but the dialogue still needs work here it’s a little juvenile and a little off kilter but really close.
"Go to him, Bill. I know that you want to… and I understand. It's okay," Matthias spoke. Bill was a little startled, he was so caught up in his thoughts that he had forgotten Matthias was there. – Matthias is super sweet to love him enough to let him go. Does this mean that Matthias can hear Tom through Bill?
He wondered why Bill was here and why he looked like he knew everything that had just took place in the last five minutes – oh plotline hole ewww no Tom would not think that but he might think that Bill had a suspiciously knowing look on his face.
Tom still wasn't completely buying this so he decided on a test, he was about to inform Bill on this but Bill spoke first. "I'll take whatever test you want me to… although I think I just passed it." – lol ok that’s rather funny
"H-how? …And OHMYGOD! Those fangs are real!?" Bill laughed at that. - *sigh* dialogue issues again.
"I heard it all, Tomi… and it's okay. I love you too. I always have. …When you heard me with Matthias earlier… it was just sex really. I have always only wanted you but… I though I couldn't have you. I am sorry Tomi. I can feel how much it hurt you." Tom was silent for a moment and then he looked up at his twin. – dialogue issues – too much, it’s too right, it’s too perfect which just makes it annoying.
"Wow… Billa. – who would say that? It just makes it corney…geee wiz guys!
I do love you, even with all of those girls. They were just stand-ins because I couldn't have what I wanted most in this world. You. – super corney!
"No, Tomi. I don't kill humans. I go to a blood bank!" – which I personally think just makes him a pussy vampire!
Bill ran into the bathroom, using his vampirific speed to help him quickly take off his make-up. Not stopping, he stripped down to his pants then turned to the doorway of the bathroom. Tom was watching in shocked awe. – we haven’t used speed yet to this is sort of out of place as an explanation.
‘Why is Tom being so agreeable? It’s as if he can see everything from my point of view,’ Bill thought. Matthias touched his consciousness:
‘That’s because you're linking your mind to his. Just as you can hear his thoughts, he can see things your way. It’s mostly one sided though, because he’s human.’ – nice to have a guy to explain this all in his head.
“Ich liebe dich,”
…“Ich liebe dich, mien bruder.” – ggrrrrr!!!
Date: 08/18/09 09:07 pm Title: Chapter 4
Tom was strutting his stuff for the girls, taking slips of paper with their numbers. – lol
"You need to rest up, not waste energy pounding bitches every other fifteen minutes." – wow going catty much Bill?
He would be able to fuck Matthias as soon as it got dark and they were at the hotel. – why can Bill be out in the light? But Matthias can’t?
'Don't worry. I'll take you so much you won't be able to walk in the morning.' – take him? this is just an awkward bit of dialogue only a little off but enough that it caught my eye.
They headed up in front of a luxurious hotel and unloaded quickly, glad about the extra security. In the elevator, Tom leaned heavily on Bill's shoulder, breath tickling Bill's neck. Bill allowed his bags to hide his tenting pants, trying not to make faces of pleasurable agony. – lovely!
'Mien Gott,' – grrr
'NO, Matthias! No fucking me where they can hear!' Images of what Matthias wanted to do to him poured into his head and Bill used all his self-control to not shudder in pleasure and give himself away. – that’s awesome! I want to be able to do that!
He could hear Tom in the other room, mumbling something about the mini-bar needing to be restocked before he entertained a bitch or two. – I don’t think that they would let out a room that hadn’t been restocked and I don’t think that Tom calls girls/women bitches and if he did I wouldn’t like that very much.
Bill placed the last of his clothes into the bureau and kicked it shut, harder than necessary. The wood cracked. – oops!
“Did I do something to piss you off? “Bill almost shouted, ‘YES!’ but kept quiet, shrugging. “If I did something, tell me, okay. I’m not a mind reader, you know.” Tom chuckled but Bill just stared darkly at him. Tom’s grin faded and he stepped fully into the room. “Are you sure you're okay?”
“Just go get laid and leave me alone, “Bill snapped, turning away. – awesome dialogue here!
Bill began to cry. He hated this. He couldn't tell his brother that he loved him more than any brother should but more than once he had come so close. He had been very ready to just shut Tom up two minutes ago by kissing him. – then why don’t you?
Bill felt so safe in Matthias’s arms, so loved.
“…I do love you, Bill, more than you could know,” Matthias said, his voice cracking slightly. – awh that’s very sweet.
'I think that we will stay here since last time we made sweet, hot sex at my place,' – this is hokey sweet hot sex? *sigh*
He really couldn't wait any longer. – this is much more honest then sweet hot sex.
"Fast and hard! I don't want to be able to walk tomorrow!" This drove Matthias crazy. – nice but this is how they always do it.
Bill's hand found Matthias' very, very hard cock, almost completely covered in pre-cum. – how could a dick be completely covered in pre-come? It could drip but to be covered? That would never happen ever, like impossible.
"Mhmm. YES! Ah… give it to me hard! OH! Yea! Just like that!" Bill screamed as Matthias repeatedly hit his spot. The sounds Bill made were so delicious to Matthias ears that all he could do was oblige. "OHMYGOD! I'm sooo close... touch me... oh damn... I'm so close." Bill pleaded. – nice!
They were both too preoccupied to realize that Tom was standing out side the door for at least 5 minutes before walking away very hurt. – words not numbers five not 5 and was he there for five minutes as they started or when?
Date: 08/18/09 08:41 pm Title: Chapter 3
"You've never lied to me before, so I'll believe you," - *makes a face* why would he say this?
"You're hiding something from me."
"No I'm not," Bill assured, all too quickly. – lol Tom clearly knows Bill too well
'I wonder if Matthias knows we're going to France,' Bill thought, chewing the inside of his bottom lip. 'He'll be mad if he can't find me.' – I’m sure he’ll be able to find you, you do have a cell phone.
Bill sat in the front passenger seat, Gustav and Georg in the middle and Tom stewed in the back – oh that’s NEVER how they sit.
The four eighteen-year-olds – lol they are not all the same age are they in your fic?
Bill cringed as he knew what was going to happen next.
"Oh my God," the woman cried, drawing attention to her and Tokio Hotel. "You're Bill Kaulitz! I am one of your biggest fans!"
"Just put his things into the GOD DAMN AIRPLANE, BITCH!" David screamed. – over the top and not that funny.
'I wonder how those fingers would feel on me,' Bill wondered. – ok it’s getting a little repetitive we know that Bill wants Tom.
'Nice show, Bill.' The words rang though Bill's head, yet the voice was slightly familiar. 'You've got me nice and hard for you.' – lol very nice!
The reason we can communicate is because you share my blood.' – very cool!
"Bill! What the fuck! Since when do you have fangs?!" Bill closed his face from emotion, panicking as he thought up a lie quickly.
"Since... a week ago. I got them sharpened. Whaddya think?" Tom just starred at Bill, shocked by this discovery. – um? k
Date: 08/18/09 04:40 pm Title: Chapter 2
'Mien Bruder,' – grrr
he did remember jerking off because of his hard-on for Tom. Had something happened? Did Tom know now? The beep… beep… beep… when to beep- beep- beep! Tom jerked awake, eyes glazed as he tried to figure out what was going on. – lol a little awkwardly stated, I think perhaps I would have had ‘the steady beeping speed up with Bill’s heart and Tom…’ but it’s a funny way to wake up Tom.
"Billa..." he groaned, hoarse.
"Tomi," Bill said, trying not to harden at his brother's nickname for him. – lol
"You're in a hospital, Billa. But I don't know what happened in the bathroom that made me have to drive like a guy on crack to get you here. I was hoping you could tell me." – see this is both hokey and juvenile.
"We're supposed to be going on tour tomorrow. You can't do this, doc," Georg was saying. - *sigh* the dialogue *sigh*
'If only he knew,' Bill thought. This happened quite regularly- Bill thinking about the what-if's that could never become reality. – I play ‘the what if’ game a lot too!
"Your body is dying, love, but don't worry- you will still be undead." Matthias watched Bill start to convulse in pain for a few more moments and then Bill stopped struggling, breathing heavily. "The pain comes and goes," Matthias murmured. – Matthias has the best lines.
Bill looked away when he noticed a strange urge to bite something. - lol
"You are thirsty, I know. I remember the feeling well. Come. We must feed you so that you will have energy for ...other things." A suggestive smirk appeared across Matthias's face. Bill groaned in the pleasure of his sudden dirty thoughts and the pain he felt of the need to feed. – lol I love the mix of emotions here.
"…Why isn't Tom waking?" Bill asked, stalling.
"He doesn't need to know about me," Matthias shrugged. "I want him to remain asleep and he shall do so." – thank you for explaining!
"We vampires are always needing to release our loins," Matthias murmured. – see this a little hokey it’s the loins that puts it in the hokey category for me…perhaps I would have done “We vampires are always needing release.” See that would have done it left it subtle and been all sexy.
"Many a man and whore lost their lives to my sexual needs but they were not worth changing, until now." – wait so Bill’s a whore now?
Finally, he was clothed – thank you for NOT describing every article of clothing!
Bill didn't like the idea of killing humans for his food so he decided to go to a blood bank. When he told Matthias his idea, it made the older vampire laugh but he complied. After the feeding at the blood bank – ok this is just super hokey!
"I am going to take away your innocence," Matthias whispered into Bill’s ear, nibbling the lobe.
"…Who says I have any left?" – lol ok this is good dialogue, funny and sexy.
'Mien Gott, we're flying,' – grrrr
"I wanna be your fuck-slave. I want you to tie me up and show me how bad I've been." – ok that’s super hot!
Without hesitation or warning, the older vampire bit down, leaving little marks as he pierced Bill's skin, drawing a small drop of blood. – nice!
“Ahh! JA! Ich bin sehr halt für Dich," – grrrrr
A sex slave wouldn’t be so demanding oh what a diva verging on annoying and controling!
"...I ...I want to cum with you inside me." – yea! Very sexy
"Are you ready, Bill," Matthias growled. "I am going to fuck your tight, perfect ass so hard." Bill nodded eyes lidded with lust. – I guess no lube is necessary when you’re a vampire.
"What have I done?" Tears filled Bill's eyes as the truth of reality hit him hard. – the shift was too sudden we needed a little more transition for this to work.
"You belong to me and that means we will still do this sometimes, but..." Bill held his breath, "I will not stop you from being with you brother... if that is what you want." – hokey!
Bill wanted to cry our in relief so he said: - ok this is annoying!
"Your brother need not know, my love," Matthias murmured, kissing Bill's cheek. – he’s not going to notice that Bill is going to stay eighteen forever?
Date: 08/18/09 03:57 pm Title: Chapter 1
Bill felt the familiar tugging at his groin. It pulled harder as his older twin leaned heavily against him, his hand still draped over his shoulder. – nice very subtle.
'Jetzt nicht,' Bill begged himself – I very much dislike when people mix German and English in the same sentence. It makes the sentence sound off when the character only then speaks English.
For a while now, Bill had suddenly found himself getting hard-ons around Tom. – good way to put this in here.
He felt himself harden even more as Tom suddenly stretched out, moving to lay his head in Bill's lap. Bill shoved him away, announcing quickly:
"I gotta use the bathroom." – lol awh
Throwing himself into the closest stall, he unbuckled his pants, his engorged cock springing free. – wow he was ready!
"Tom," Bill moaned. "Oh… Tomi." – great way to get cauth!
"Fine. I'm just fine," he answered, his voice thick as his pre-cum leaked from the tip of his enlarged penis. – lol
The door opened again but this time, Bill was ready to face his brother. However, it wasn't his brother who walked through the bathroom door but a very sexy man. – he isn’t disturbed that someone he doesn’t know is in the band’s private area?
as most of your kind are. – this makes the vampire seem super arrogant and not in a good way if there is a good kind of arrogant.
Only the second-to-front two teeth on top were sharpened to dangerous points. – wrong teeth! It’s the canines not the second to front teeth.
'Mien Gott,' – gggrrrrrr
I prefer men to stupid cows that women truly are. – wow insulting much?!
And I have chosen you to be my partner. – like permanently? Or like temporarly?
'Mien Gott. He's going to drink my blood!' Bill thought. He still couldn't move. – ok so far the plot and action are fine but your dialogue needs work its irritating and so weird that your dialogue is bad and the rest of your writing is good.
Said eighteen-year-old closed his eyes, turning his head even farther away as Matthias lowered his mouth to Bill's flesh. He let out a scream when Matthias's fangs pierced his throat and moved to push the vampire away. Matthias's arms tightened, stilling movement, as he took his first swallow of Bill's blood. – can he move now? Is it only eye contact that keeps him put?
He groaned as he continued to suckle. – very nice detail and I love your choice of words to describe!
Moreover, he would make this succulent little boy succumb to his will, in so many, many ways. - *grins* nice!
Gazing down at the human boy, Matthias met Bill's glazing eyes and easily pictured the boy crying out to be fucked, his hair circling his head on the pillows as he, Matthias, drove him over the edge with desire, pumping into the little virgin body. His hard-on swelled. – see lovely details!
Bill gripped Matthias's wrist and began to suckle, just as he had done. Matthias moaned in ecstasy as he felt his blood being pulled into the boy's mouth. This boy was just what he needed to make him a very happy, horny vampire. - lol
"That is understandable but disappointing, none the less," Matthias murmured. – This is one of the best lines of dialogue in the first chapter. The rest of the dialogue needs some help. It all ends up juvinile, hokey or awkward.
Author's Response: hey this is xlocalxoutcast nd im respoding to all of ur really detailed if nothing else.. reviews.... nd ik some of the details r a little skewed but thts how we made it liek the seating in the car nd ages nd such its just how it is. plus some lines r supposed to be overly sweet and some things u dont find funny we do so we put it in some parts of this fic r supposed to be crack fic-ish soo ya. AND WE SAY SHALL!!! rnif this comes off a little mean or something its not meant to be rn
Date: 07/03/09 10:22 pm Title: Chapter 17
He's really slow alex and bill funny
Date: 07/01/09 03:47 pm Title: Chapter 16
I really liked it but i think you spent too much time describing what they wear
Date: 05/26/09 09:35 am Title: Chapter 1
it's sexy :0
the Bill/Mathias meeting rlz^^
more!
Date: 05/19/09 08:54 pm Title: Chapter 6
Eyelash Curlers & Butcher Knives (what's The Difference?) love the song "that im jeffree star"
Date: 05/17/09 09:25 pm Title: Chapter 10
i would want to watch to...
Date: 05/17/09 08:59 pm Title: Chapter 10
Wow!!! O_o
Alex and Snow kind of grow on you....Gustav is cute towards Snow, especailly with the whole cell phone thing.
Date: 05/17/09 05:05 pm Title: Chapter 3
I love it, but Matthias just needs to go away. XD
Go Tom/Bill :B
Date: 05/15/09 03:29 am Title: Chapter 8
Hmm...interesting. So another person is coming into play but is after Matthias. I can't wait to see what you have planned next!
Date: 05/12/09 10:57 pm Title: Chapter 7
Hm...now I'm curious to see how this triangle with Bill caught between Tom and Matthias is going to work out...Jealousy I certainly see sprouting up!!!!
Date: 05/08/09 10:10 pm Title: Chapter 5
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww cutenesss love it u guys
Date: 05/08/09 03:25 am Title: Chapter 5
I really like your story alot. One thing that gets me is how can Bill claim that he loves Tom so much but do this other dude. Then say that he hopes Tom walks in on them. That seems kinda cruel for someone you "supposedly love" am I missing something?
Author's Response: well he doesnt think tome loves him back ...and then since he changed into a vampire his sex appeal is heighened he settles for matthais. Bill also does feel attracted to matthaisso........... ya thts basically it.
Date: 05/07/09 02:43 am Title: Chapter 4
Ouch! I feel sorry for Tom! Glad you updated!!