eh it's over? just like that? Not fair, I mean it's just started and now you end it. This fic needs more chapters before thinking about a sequel.

Author's Response:

oh well to bad here's the sequel

 http://fiction.tokiohotelfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=11109

OMG,you can`t stop there *pouts*

Author's Response: it didnt! go to my page and youll find the seqeul there

Here’s some editing help: he was clutched his tummy, should be “he was clutching his tummy”. But the whole sentence just sounds a little off. Maybe it’d be better if it said something like, “He was looking around while tears slid off his cheeks and fell onto his swollen tummy.”

Also, with numbers, unless it is a hyphenated word like twenty-one, spell it out. So “sixteen” and “three” should be spelt out in that first section.

The dark haired boy groaned and cried aloud again, this is a little awkward. Maybe something like “The dark haired boy groaned as he cried”?

It had caused him to sink into depression, he sighed and rubbed his tummy and whispered. “Everything is going to be fine, even though daddy isn’t here, I’ll take care of you.” Should read more like: It had caused him to sink into depression. He sighed and rubbed his tummy as he whispered, “Everything is going to be fine. Even though Daddy isn’t here, I’ll take care of you.”

Bill walked to his small bedroom and stared at the plain ceiling, he wrapped himself in the thin blue blanket like a cocoon. There should be a period or semicolon after ceiling. If you put a period, don’t forget to capitalize “he”. He started crying again his make up running down his porcelain face. There should be a comma after “again”.

“Bill, are you alright?” Asked Andreas’ partly yelling and looking at Bill’s lunch box full of weird food combinations. This would read better as: “Bill, are you alright?” asked Andreas, practically yelling and looking at…

and took a bite out of his peanut butter and ham sandwich. This is incomplete. It should say something like Then he took a bite out.

Andreas ask with a questioning look his face, Bill choked on his food. A period or semicolon is needed after “face”.

Tom smiled looking down at the raven-haired beauty and softly kissed his lips. Bill noticed the condom on Toms dresser but was to busy to even care about it. Since he was, pre occupied kissing Tom. would be easier read like: Tom smiled, looking down at the raven-haired beauty, and softly kissed his lips. Bill noticed the condom on Tom’s dresser, but was too busy to even care about it since he was preoccupied with kissing Tom.

Bill turns red and glares at the There was a tense change here. It should be in past tense, “turned” and “glared”. Once they were in the restroom Bill speaks up Another tense change here, should be “spoke”. Andreas run his hand through his blonde hair and thought for a moment; here it should be “ran” instead of “run”.

Bill said, looking at the white stick in Andreas’ hand, sneaking them out of school and took them to the gas station down the road. This is really awkward. It’d be better if it said something like, Bill said, looking at the white stick in Andreas’ hand. He’d snuck the two of them out of the school, taking Bill to the gas station down the road.

Bill relentlessly took it from him and stared at it.. “Relentlessly” doesn’t really work here. “Reluctantly” or “hesitantly” would probably be a better choice, and only one period is needed. :D

“Okay I’ll be right back.” Bill climbed out of the small car, went into the colorful gas station and asked. “Where is the restroom?” Bill asked a bored looking clerked dressed in a leather vest and his arms covered in tattoos. He pointed to the back. “Thank you.” He walked into the back and saw the door. He opened it and was greeted by a smelly black toilet. “Oh god eww!” he sighs and unzips his pants. Okay, so this whole section was a bit awkward. Try something like: “Okay, I’ll be right back.” Bill climbed out of the small car and went into the colorful gas station. “Where is the restroom?” he asked a bored-looking clerk. The man was dressed in a leather vest and his arms were covered in tattoos. He pointed to the back. “Thank you,” Bill said before walking to the back. He went into the door and was greeted by a smelly, black toilet. “Oh, god, eww!” He sighed and unzipped his pants.

Andreas was rapping along to Weck Mich aus, when Bill comes back pale. A tense change again. “came back” instead of “comes”. Bill climbs into the passenger seat. In addition, let himself melt into the cool leather seat, “Climbed” instead of “climbs” and it’d read better as: Then, he let himself melt into the cool leather seat as he said, “I have to wait…

They sit in the car, until Bill see’s Tom drive by the gas station and there was a girl by his side. He sighs and feels a hand on his shoulders. “Sat”, “saw”, “sighed”, “felt”. :D

50 Cent should be capitalized because it’s a name. And house comes into view “came” because it’s in past tense.

He parks his car a couple of houses down behind a tree. He slipped out quietly out of the black machine and walks to the small house, he hums and looks for a rock to throw at Bill’s window threw a rock at Bill’s window. Can you guess what I’m going to say here? That’s right, tense change! Make sure everything is in past tense.

Tom went rigged and his expression became cold as he said harshly, “Rigged” should be “rigid”.

There were a few more tense changes in the story, and places. But, this is long enough without me posting them. Hopefully you can spot them on your own. As for clarifying things, those are just suggestions; you don’t HAVE to use them. Otherwise, this was actually a really cute, bittersweet story. And, yes, I DO think you should do a sequel. And, if you need a second opinion on the sequel or a beta, just hit me up :D

Author's Response:

Hmmmm i'm gonna use you as a beta haha since my beta couldnt spot these mistakes. i did spot some the mistakes

and thank you for the longgggg review it made me bounce in my chair. i tell you if i need a second opinion for the seqeul

danke!

I think there should be a sequal... not sure what you would have in it.... maybe Tom accepting the baby is his? Maybe Bill moving on and Tom not happy with someone else raising his kid? Or maybe have a strong Bill taking on the role on his own?

Author's Response: Ah you just wait and see.

Uhmm Hi, first off I read all the reviews begging for sequels.. so I am dancing in my seat knowing one is coming.


But I was wondering if you'd be annoyed if I kinda snagged this idea and wrote my own version of it.. Cause my brain started fleshing out the fic when I was trying to pass out this morning after reading the story. Going in detail and such.. Mostly cause in two RP's I've done Bill has been knocked up by my Tomi-boy, and I'm addicted to Billa having baby now..

Author's Response:

Of course i do mind lol no jk jk jk

No i wouldn't mind, I would love to read it when you do write it. you can contact me at RetteMich_483@hotmail.com, if you cant contact me on here when you write it, ha look out for the sequel.

hallo
yes please, please!!!
your fic is beautiful
i want a sequel!!!
i love it
greetings from Chile

Author's Response: sí sí sí habrá una secuelarnThank you for reviewing. excuse my bad spanish.

SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL! SEQUEL!

Author's Response:

YES YES YES YES YES

If you add me as a fav author you should get a little message that tells you when i post the sequel

A sequel would be awesome!
:)

Author's Response: a sequel to even though daddy's not here well be in the summary of my sequell look out for it.

Wow that brings back memories ... yes I would like to see a sequel :)

Author's Response:

Awww I'm sorry.

a sequel to even though daddy's not here well be in the summary of my sequel.

sequel!!!!!!!!!yes yes there must be a sequel!

Author's Response:

Aight a sequel there shall be anytime soon

just look out for it

a sequel to even though daddy's not here well be in the summary